An explanation and a few metaphors

Self-Esteem is a foundation

I slept through the night for the first time in just over 3 months. It feels like I've got my head on straight, now.

Getting back to our conversation last night... I'm writing you a novel so bear with me, please.

There's a layer of myself, near the foundation of who I am, that is just a bit cracked and broken. If something hits that fracture hard enough, I fall apart, and that's essentially what happened last night. The layer is in my self-esteem and self-worth, and the fact that it's greatly influenced by outside sources.

Sticking with the foundation metaphor, I've patched this up multiple times, but when there are multiple external forces coping away at it, it can be hard to keep up.

"Unwanted" is practically woven into my genes. I wasn't a planned pregnancy for my mom, and my biological father who had stuck around for my sister decided he didn't want me. The guy I grew up knowing as "dad" was abusive, but he died while I was young. Because my sister is smart, beautiful, and accomplished we've always been in competition. When I was still a baby, and she a toddler, she pulled me off my mom's lap and declared that it was her mom, not mine, and it's been rivalry since.

Fast forward.

I met Harkin online about 12 years ago. We were friends, and for a brief moment, we dated online. We were teenagers. I was in love. Then, Danaris broke up with her boyfriend, and Harkin broke up with me. He loved *her,* he said. He said he lived me too, but that he always wanted a chance with her so he had to take it. It was online, right? And we were young. Surely this summer romance shouldn't count and I should get over it. So I did.

There was a guy in high school that pursued me. I never really liked him, something felt off, but he liked me so I gave him a chance and went on a date. He stole my virginity. Didn't ask, didn't stop, and didn't ever call again. But it was my fault for putting myself in a position alone with him (so I thought) so I kept it a secret and moved on.

My first real relationship was with a marine I'd meet online. We wrote letters, talked on the phone... he met my parents and spent Christmas with us. I tried to have..um.. relations with him. My first time actually wanting it for myself and feeling like it was mutual. Except, when I took off my shirt, he burst out laughing. Literally burst out, like the laugh was so large he couldn't hold it in. Needless to say that didn't work.

There were a few more experienced life that. Men treating me like I'm only good enough on their terms. When you hear something often enough, you start to believe it.

Fast forward to 2008. I was working multiple jobs that left me no time for friends. It was summer, and Harkin and I had been in touch again for a while after a silent period of about 2 years. I was whining about having no friends and cancelled my birthday. He lived only 8 hours away in Canada and offered to visit me. Things clicked. He was the same guy in person as he was online and all those feelings came rushing back. A couple months later, he visited again. He asked me out and we told each other we loved one another that same night. I then tried to break up with him on a monthly basis because I could just tell that the other sore was going to drop. He'd find someone better and leave me, and from him, I didn't feel like I could handle that same rejection again.

Fast forward to 2012. He had moved to the states to be with me. I'd "won." Here I had a good man who loved me, supported me, and chose *me.* We were engaged to be married and things were great. Since we had met online, it stands to reason that all of our friends were flung far and wide. My bridal party consisted of women from South Dakota (sister), Michigan (best friend Korry), Colorado (Danaris), and Minnesota (my brother's girlfriend and a friend from school). I wanted everyone to know each other and get along the week of the wedding 9 months later so I had planned a get together for everyone.