Kai has never fit in, he left secondary school high on crack and all his friends have left him, heading off to Essex to start their own cannibus and weed farms. He's been left to rot and there's no hope left for him... atleast that's what he's been...
He's 19, left secondary school whilst high on crack, has had approximately 12 girlfriends, all of which were imaginary and Instagram baddies. He's average in every department, height, weight, hair colour, skin tone, everything. Now I want you to think of the most average person you could possibly imagine... alright, you done? No? You have Aphantasia? Good for you. Anyways, yes Michael, that average man you just imagined? Kai was even MORE average than that. Oh my god I can't even begin to explain how average he is, it's genuinely terrifying how average a human being could possibly be. With that one mullet Tony Lopez has with his scruffy and unkempt chestnut brown hair, brown eyes the colour of... okay I have nothing good to compare it to asides from shit so shit it shall be. Let's say that again, shall we. *INHALE* Alright, he had brown eyes the colour of the unflushed shit in the toilet your sister forgot to flush and left there with the seat open that left a terrible smell lingering around your tiny family home.
Now you see, you might be wondering why I'm talking about someone so average and annoying who I appear to deeply hate so so so so much? Well, that's because there's an annoying and uneducated roadman in my class who I'm basing this off of and- ACTUALLY I'M WRITING THIS STORY BECAUSE I THINK THAT WE NEED MORE REPRESENTATION OF MUSHROOMS AND HUMANS BEING IN RELATIONSHIPS AND UH anyways where were we? Well, you see, Kai isn't average in one specific way, his romantic preferences. Yes, I did say that he was average in 'every department' or whatever but I honestly couldn't care less because guess what? It's my stories and I make the rules bitch, now let me enjoy my craft and get over my odd sentence structure and terrible grammar.
Once again, anyways... Kai has always had a weird preference for inanimate objects, especially those that appear in forests. Those 12 imaginary Instagram baddie girlfriends I was talking about? They were all faked because he wanted to fit in. He never truly wanted a dominatrix Insta baddie girlfriend to take out to Instagram cafés and share those one Japanese Insta pancakes with, no, he wanted to kiss the fucking trees in the playground, he fell into motherfucking poison ivy once and got flustered. His romantic preferences have always set him apart from others, but he learnt to mask it up, hide his true self from the others around him.
Let's flash forward to where he is now.
Kai hasn't been doing too well recently, all his friends have moved further east towards the more eastern part of Essex, starting their own weed and cannabis farms without him, leaving him behind to rot.
Kai has no friends left behind, it's just him and his small dysfunctional brain. Now with no hope and support left, he decided to resort to the only thing he knew, (which, as a british roadman, only meant the following) – dealing drugs, taking drugs and walking around forests. (Okay maybe that last part isn't as roadman-y or whatever but yeah he does that or whatever 'innut bruv my mandem pushihole ayooo' or whatever the roadmen these days say.) Now you see, all Kai has been doing for the past year or so has been well exactly what I said (along with squatting at random abandoned apartments and eating from old tescos tins of beans that probably expired 4-6 years ago) so today couldn't be any different... right? Only time will tell...
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