Lost all my controll - ready to die

2021-

So 2021 started. I thought this year is going to be the perfect year. But it wasn't. Yeah I was happy at the beginning of the year. But in march. I got a message. "... is dead". (I don't wanna say any names I hope you understand that) It was on march 13th. I couldn't cry when I got the message. I didn't knew what I should do. I knew him since I was six. He died on a drug overdose. 5 ecstacy. He didn't take them. His "best friend" - let's call her mary- and mary's boyfriend - let's call him mark - did it. On march 12th at 7 p.m. they arrived at mark's place. It was a little party, they drank alcohol. Mary and Mark mixed the ecstacy pills in his glass. He died three hours later. But no, they didn't call an ambulance. A neighbor from them found him in the basement the next morning. The police arrived. They found blood on Mark's door. The police went into the apartment and found Mary and Mark cleaning the bathtub. - Why they cleaned it? Because it was full of blood, they made eperiments with him. I don't know what happened after that. Someday the summer holidays came. Summer. Woah. I'm done with middle school. I go to a new school after summer. I'm scared. What if they don't like me? The summer holidays were over, I didn't do anything in the holidays, like I stayed home. The first day of school is there. My hair are purple. I look like a walking non-binary person. But I'm a girl. I went to school. The first thing I heard was "Are you a boy or a girl?" I went to my classroom. I'm in K5. I sat alone. The first two days were normal, like we got information about the school and stuff. But the other 3 days of the week, I stayed at home. I was sick, in the first week of school. I got a message. From a boy in my class. He got my number from an introducing letter. His message was: "Hi I know it sounds cringe that I write you but I sit next to you .And I have a crush on you." LIKE BRO???? You know me for two days what's wrong with you? Of course I dumped him. The next week I went to school like nothing happened. He sat next to me and I had conversations with him and his friend Cosmin. Cosmin is a cool guy. He's funny and has dark humor. But the boy who has a crush on me btw. his name is Leon. I don't like Leon, he's annoying. I also got two more friends, Dali and Denis. I like both of them. They're a couple. So cuteeee. Dali looks like a little K-pop singer and Denis looks like a 10 year old roblox kiddie. But no just kidding. I'm doing pretty good in school right now. Like my grades are good, and I like my friends. I see Cosmin, Dali and Denis everyday. That's cool. But I'm not feeling well, I think my bad thoughts are coming again. I came up to my favourite teacher and told her all my problems. She's really nice, she went to the school therapist with me. I'm feeling worse everyday. It's like someone talks to you:

"Hey you. Yeah you. What are you doing here? Oh you have to go to school? - Why? You can't do anything. You'll end up homeless. Stay in bed.You're crazy. You could cut off your ear. Why are you talking? No one is interrested in what you talk. Why are you crying? Because you have to do the laundry? Hey, do you still know ... he's dead. And you grandmother too. Every person you know, will be dead. Tomorrow or in 60 years. Yes. Everyone. Everyone you know is just a bunch of dying cells. So does life make any sense? No."

 But I hope it's getting better.