🌷| 𝗔𝗧𝗬𝗖𝗛𝗜𝗣𝗛𝗢𝗕𝗜𝗔 , a venting book

🎭| friends

Me and my friends have this sorta..on and off relationship, we fight, we apologize to each other, we fight, apologize it's just a constant loop ya know? We have been like this ever since the pandemic started and im just sick of it. What happened? We were so happy, so innocent, do cheerful but the pandemic changed everything. I don't even know if i should blame the pandemic, me or my friends because of the fact our friendship is breaking.

We ended our friendship when one member of our group chat left, someone got really irritated and started to get angry at us. Soon enough, one by one we all left the gc. But it felt as if we left not only the gc, but our past friendship you know? It just hurts really bad..i don't even know if this can be called toxic.

I miss the days when we would go to school, laugh, joke at each other, be playful and just be regular people ya know? But everything just changed..i really don't wanna be alone, i don't like being alone. But why does it feel so much better to feel alone? Im so confused, i don't know anymore..

Our friendship ending really gave me trust issues but also the feeling of longing for love (or attention). So i started to talk to strangers online when it's really dangerous when you don't know who they are. You know? If their actually the same age as you, if what their saying is real or not, all those stuff.

This actually happened when i still had tiktok, i heard about people having 'online friends' or 'mutuals' and i got really interested so i searched it up (still on tiktok). I saw a lot of chats about them talking and saw them calling each other nicknames like "darling" "sweetie" and etc. I also saw them flirting and saying inappropriate things to each other which really made me uncomfortable.

But, i really wanted to fit in back then. I knew what i was doing is wrong, and yet i still did it. My longing for attention and or friends really damaged my own innocence and i just hate myself for doing that.

Soon enough, my older sister found out about what i was doing and i got a long lecture and they also banned me from using tiktok. I'm so sorry older sis..elder sis...mother...father. I didn't mean to be such a disappointment, im so sorry.

Im sorry for not listening to your words. "don't talk to strangers online" and yet i still did, i am so sorry.

Im sorry for thinking about myself and not about what you guys would feel if i did this, im sorry for being so selfish.

Im sorry for only listening to my ideas instead of yours, im so sorry.

Im so sorry for not realizing that my family are my friends and they have been my friends ever since i was born.

Im so sorry for being such a disappointment back then..im so sorry.