[曦澄 | XiCheng]: The Fear Of Falling In Love [~PART 1~]

[118.] Automatic lover. [continued] [TW]

NOTE:

Trigger Warning

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- I had hoped that we would never have to talk about this again, little one.  –  Lan Huan sighed.  –  I will tell you all, but promise me something too, my love?

- Anything. Anything, Huan.  -  Jiang Cheng whimpered.

- Let this be the last time we ever mention Meng Yao, kitten. Promise me.  –  he frowned.

- I promise, Zewu-Jun.  –  the words were stuttered in Lan Xichen's chest, as Jiang Wanyin was hiding and blushing there, listening intently.

- He was my first big love.  –  he started quietly.  –  In my young years I had had crushes on a couple of girls, and it was strange that all of them somehow were tomboy girls, girls who liked to cut their hair short, and train with our disciples. I never thought too much of it... but then in my teens my Clan started looking for a match for me, a future wife, and at that time I was rather chasing young boys... boys who looked like girls... Delicate boys, with thin fingers, thick dark eyelashes, and luscious lips...

- Yes, I have had sex before our wedding, Wanyin...  -  he said, remembering his youth.

Jiang Cheng shivered. He had suspected so, he had feared so; after all, Zewu-Jun was older than him. Still, these words made him sad.

- It was all fooling around, quick, and just for fun. It was a shameful secret that I kept, even from my brother. Everybody thought I was...pure. Innocent. Emotionless.  Not so, I am afraid.  –  he said bitterly.  –  This is why, my little one, I was really upset when you told me you loved me the first time... You were... you are still... so genuinely pure, so truly innocent. It felt as if I was defiling  you, with every touch, as if I was leaving tar stains on your gentle skin...

Tears fell on Sandu Shengshou's face and he tightened his grip on Zewu-Jun's body, feeling it was getting hard for them both to breathe.

- I met Jin Guangyao two... well, three years ago. From the very first day, I was mesmerized. He was pretty   –  pale soft skin, delicate features, big, kind eyes. His manners were perfect, and he was smart and charming beyond compare. He paid very special attention to me, and we danced a complicated dance of politics and intimate courtship, until in the end I was spellbound, too weak to ever say "no"  to him... He helped me find out my preferences for a lover, and I considered him to be perfect... submissive, obedient, supportive, smart... I needed this. My brother was terrified, as he saw it all through, he saw through his games and plans, and schemes. And I was blind; I was a fool...

Jiang Cheng was shivering, he felt very weak and dizzy, and he felt like he was falling, and was now too grateful for Zewu-Jun's strong arms that were wrapped around him, keeping him safe without fail. 

He brushed his tears away and looked up, knowing very well that it was so hard for his husband too  –  Lan Huan was struggling not break down and cry before the end of his tale, too pale and wanton, embarrassed to share his past.

- He knew all my weaknesses too well. He used them all against me.  He knew I craved for him... and he used sex as a means to an end. I know you want to know, my love... But it is... so hard...  -  he stuttered.

- Huan... It's alright. That's enough... Please...  -  Jiang Cheng whimpered, caressing his face, seeing how much torture he was going through remembering all this.

- No... Let me finish, love. Let me tell you all. You have the right to know. You are my husband, and I love you, Wanyin...  -  he growled.

- I am saying this now... -  he continued after a while, in a cold and detached voice.  –  But months ago I didn't realize most of it. I thought my brother hated me... envied me for having a better lover than him. I was blinded by a dream, a mirage, an image that was too perfect to be true. And yes, the sex was great  –  he would let me do to him anything I could ever possibly imagine... he was definitely not a virgin, like you were, my love... It drove me crazy, I was insatiable.  The freedom he offered... the release... But... He didn't like kissing, and now that I think about it  –  it should have been a huge warning sign for me that he didn't really love me... He basically never did... He put up with me and my passion... He was growing colder and colder in bed, letting me have my way with him, but not even looking me in the eyes... At one point, it all became... a routine. And still I loved him...

Jiang Cheng was very pale now, listening very still and absolutely silent. He thought his heart would stop any second now. It was far too painful to listen to those words.

- And then my Uncle started planning our wedding... It was real, and it was final, and I was starting to see clearer, as people show their true colors when trapped in a corner... The truth was out, and I killed him with my own hands... The Clans praised me for my noble intentions... The venerable Zewu-Jun!  Protecting the truth, protecting justice!  –  he laughed bitterly with self-irony.  –  But the truth  of it is I killed him, because I hated him... because he betrayed me. Because he used me... he violated me. He violated my trust, my feelings. I hated him. I hate him!  –  he hissed.

- And then... Then I was given the greatest gift. The perfect gift. Happiness.

Zewu-Jun was now murmuring in his hair, rocking him in his arms, and his voice became softer, and full of love.

- When they brought you to bed after the night hunt, I saw you, Wanyin... I really saw you... A body that was pure, and mine... my own husband... A boy who looked like a girl... A girl who looked like a boy... So gentle, yet so strong... Waiting for me, loving me deeply, wanting me fully... A lover who adored me, and wanted to please me, letting me be on top and dominate him... Submissive, but not dull... hiding fire and willpower deep in his heart... Too beautiful, too hot... One who promised me children...  -  he sighed deeply, murmuring, in love.  –  I used to fall asleep at night too afraid that I would wake up in the morning and this perfect dream would be gone...

- Oh, Zewu-Jun!!!  -  Jiang Cheng wrapped his arms around his husband's shoulders and kissed him desperately, sobbing all the time.

- My love... Never doubt that you are perfect to me... Wanyin, I love you so much!  –  Lan Xichen was crushing him to his chest, crying happy tears, thankful for his blessing.