Regret

Chapter 3

Before heading to Pharm's condo, the couple went to the pool to get Dean changed back to his uniform. Yet, he didn't have any other clothes to wear.

"I don't think I have a shirt to fit you, but these pants will be okay…", Pharm handed his boyfriend a pair of sweatpants before he entered the bathroom for a shower when they finally got home.

Right after the taller one came out dripping water and trying to dry his hair with a towel, Pharm ran to the bathroom to avoid staring directly at the broad chest at plain sight. It was his first time with Dean inside his apartment and, ok, he had seen him shirtless before, but somehow that felt different from when they met by the pool. The boy blushed, but tried to ease his thoughts with the cold water. He had a serious matter to share with Dean before anything else.

When both students were bathed and relaxed sitting side by side on Pharm's couch, he decided it was time to start.

"I…", the trembling vowel made Dean pay attention to him. "P'Dean… as you are aware by now, I have these anxiety crisis frequently. But what you don't know yet is about another thing… I also have problems with loud noises and sleeping." The sudden topic made the senior definitely change his thoughts and focus on the boy by his side.

"Since a young age I have these… nightmares in which I can clearly see myself watching the love of my life taking away his own life and…", Pharm started to hyperventilate.

"Easy, good boy… I'm here. You can take your time…", Dean said trying to calm him, but at the same time his hand tapping the slender shoulder was trembling because Pharm's words were so familiar to him. The description of his nightmares were nothing different from his own.

"Pharm… is the name Intouch familiar to you?", Dean asked.

"Do you know P'Korn, P'Dean?", Pharm said, tears falling from his eyes.

"Oh, Pharm! I've found you! I have finally found you, my good boy!", Dean replied hugging the boy tightly.

"Wait, P'Dean… there is something else I need to tell you…", Pharm parted from their hug, but still held his hand on his lap.

Dean raised an eyebrow, confused and only then the senior recalled his main objective there.

"Not long time ago, actually, only a few months back… I was giving my friends a ride home, but a crazy driver hit behind my car and pushed it until we collided with another one. The accident took away one of my friend's life… P'Dean… it is all because of these nightmares! Everytime I hear a loud noise those memories come back to me and I freeze without a chance to think and then I… I…", Pharm started to cry uncontrollably, holding Dean's hand tight like that was capable of making him keep track of reality.

This was the moment Dean had waited for a couple of months since he heard the details about the accident. Which he didn't know about yet was that their mistake from past lives was the one to blame for Pharm's anxiety crisis. If Korn hadn't taken away his own life, Pharm wouldn't suffer with the trigger of loud noises and probably wouldn't react that way when the driver hit them. His sister had died because of something he did before he was even aware of that. Pharm really wasn't the one to blame after all.

"Oh, Pharm!", Dean said, hugging the boy and handling him to sit on his lap. "My good boy, please… shh… shh…", Dean chanted sweet nothings trying to ease the pain he knew his lover was feeling at the moment because he knew what it felt like to have this kind of blame to carry. "It wasn't your fault, Pharm! It wasn't your fault, my good boy…".

When Dean said the words, he realized for the first time he also believed in them. It was wrong to make Pharm pay for Del's death. Actually, he was the one in debit with the boy and the realization made him feel terrible for his actions in the past and in the current life and he cried together with the smaller male.

Dean held Pharm and Pharm never let go of his grip either. Their skins were warm, despite the weather changing outside. It was raining and they both calmed their breaths trying to sync them with the smooth sounds the water droplets were making at Pharm's window.

"You'll have to spend the night here, Phi…", the boy whispered softly, blushing hard after.

Dean also realized that night that he couldn't hurt Pharm, not even if he wanted to. The boy sitting on his lap and hugging his nape was too precious for him. His sorrow was his sorrow too. His smile made his own heart warm. He was completely in love with him and nothing would ever change that.

"Do you feel okay with that, my good boy?", Dean asked with a smirk.

"I do! I trust my P'Dean the most!", the brave boy said, gently kissing his cheek like a proof of their trust.

"You're a naughty boy, aren't you?", Dean's smile grew farther and he started to tickle the boy's sides, making him squeal between laughter.

Dean stopped and faced Pharm very seriously. "What happened, Phi?"

"I just realized I need to make a list of every single thing I love about you!", Dean said, carrying Pharm to his bed and gently laying there the small body. "I love your eyes…", Dean pecked the big brown orbs. "I love your cute nose…", Dean said, kissing the tip of his nose. "I love every single detail about you, my good boy!", Dean said, laying next to Pharm at the bed, but resting only his head above the other's heart. He was afraid to hurt the boy if he laid his body on him, but that was comfortable too, since he could hear the heartbeats as fast as a hummingbird fluttering its wings.

Pharm laughed softly and used his hand to comb the other's hair. They both fell asleep not long after, being completely drowned in their pink bubble of adoration.

At the nightstand, Dean's phone received a new message:

"Son, we're getting home on Friday!"