Lindsey sat in a daze on the edge of the bed, staring out the window of the hotel.
He'd gotten lost in watching the snow falling, lost in his own thoughts as the snow covered everything as far as he could see, roofs, foliage, the ground, but he didn't feel cold not even when he had been out in it earlier, nothing felt colder than the way Stevie had been treating him, not even the snow itself when he'd gone out and picked up a handful of it, crushing it between his fingers and enjoying the freeze in his hand the longer he felt it, even though it only was a painful reminder, that he was real and that what was happening, wasn't just a nightmare.
She haunted him, every moment of the day, even when he slept, she'd be in his dreams, they were happy again, or he was trying to show her how much she meant to him, but when he woke, it would be the same tug at his soul when he saw the empty bed, the loneliness, her not there only reminders of her he couldn't bring himself to get rid of, he wanted to forget her sometimes, but he also didn't, he knew he never would and the tears still burned around the edges of his eyes.
He'd never been the type to show those emotions, it never seemed allowed for men, ever since he was a boy, but he couldn't even be bothered hiding the fact he hurt, he cried, he suffered unbearably, love made him weak, Stevie made him weak and without her, the longer it went on, the more he felt like his soul was dying.
She twirled through his mind like a burning ballerina, dancing into every thought, reminders of her were everywhere, mostly how could she do this to him, she'd never even given him a chance, only got everyone else involved, nothing had ever escalated this badly when it was just them, they'd work out their own issues, but now, he felt he truly lost her and he hated everyone, he wanted to tear apart everyone who tore them apart, mostly, he wanted to tear himself apart, he had taken her for a granted, thinking they were in it forever, but he should have known nothing was permanent and love clearly wasn't real.
He wanted to hate her, it would make it easier, he silently screamed in the shower when he was worried he was losing her back when they'd stayed with her parents, she was so hot and cold with him and that only made him terrified, he saw the signals and that had made him mess everything up more, he wanted to bash his head against the closet, he wanted overdose on the whiskey and Quaaludes he had in the hotel room, he thought of all the ways he just wanted to end his suffering, not caring if it made him weak, he was weak, weak for the love of his life, she would always be the love of his life, no matter what, he felt they were soulmates, he hoped time would bring her back to him, he knew he would keep trying until he died, maybe he'd write a whole album just to get her attention, show her how much he loved her, maybe if he had found success for them as a duo, she'd have loved him more, he'd have proved he could provide for them, but he felt he failed at that.
Why would Stevie want him? He'd made her promises of diamonds and mansions when they had first started dated, promises to travel the world, then get married, have a family, he'd promised her he'd treat as the princess and goddess she was to him when they made it, then when they'd been out on their own, it had been a disaster, they'd only got a dump and had a mattress on the floor, he hadn't been able to get a job so she worked three, then he got sick and then focused on his musical skills because no one would seem to bother hiring him so he thought music was their way, thinking maybe that was their destiny, them against the world, but he'd failed again, they'd had to join Fleetwood Mac, he regretted that the most, always wondering if he worked harder for them, their second album could have made it, it would have just been them and not all the drugs, added pressures and lots of people interfering in their relationship, he hated himself, he felt like the biggest loser in the world, he'd tried so hard, but it didn't feel hard enough.
He thought over his own flaws, he knew he was too controlling and bossy to Stevie sometimes, but it was because he worried about her, she was so naïve sometimes and he worried something would happen to her, so her reckless behaviour terrified him, he couldn't bear the thought of living without her, if something happened to her, he knew it would kill him too, she was his world and had been since they started dating all those years ago, he'd never felt good enough though, that was why he came off to her as too clingy and possessive, he was obsessed with her, always wondering what a talented sweet beauty like her was doing with him and now she wasn't, he'd always felt she deserved better but he hated the thought of anyone else with her, knowing they would never love her or cherish her the way he had and how he had tried too, he was flawed but she hadn't always made it easy too, especially as joined Fleetwood Mac and seemed to lose her old self, he missed the old her, he missed the old version of himself too, mixing all the substances to keep up with rock and roll life had brought out the worst of him, especially when he was worried about Stevie doing it all too, worried she'd also fall for someone he felt was better than him, how taken she always seemed by Mick, how nearly every guy seemed to flirt with her, he knew he wouldn't be enough, especially as the fame got to her head and she even told him, she felt she was missing out.
Of course she was, he wasn't good enough for her and never had been and now he had probably lost her forever, he tried to hold onto that flicker of hope, to keep on going but it was getting harder and harder, especially his dark moments, she'd always helped him through those, but now he didn't have her and he couldn't be bothered trying to find help anywhere else because the only help he needed was Stevie, his relationship back with her, even them being on talking terms, no one could fix that but her and she didn't seem to want to.
Too many people had gotten into her head when she always a very easily influenced person, except for when it came to him and now he was paying the price, the people villainizing him only made him more hurt which made him angrier, he'd tried talking to Stevie's mother Barbara, he had broken down to her, she'd told him to give Stevie space, she might miss him and she'd said he deserved someone more mature, but he still didn't even fully know if her advice was best, for all he knew, everyone could be against their relationship, at least that was how it felt with Stevie being so hot and cold to him, he also didn't want anyone else, he wanted Stevie, no one would ever measure up or ever compare, he had tried to think about trying to find someone exactly like her, pretend it was, but he knew that was cruel, but he was trying to think of ways to move on, he just wished the suffering would end.
He was close to trying to end it, several times, the only thing stopping him was the thought of his mother, having to lose him after already never recovering from losing his father, he couldn't do that to her, he also worried, what if Stevie did try to reach out, what if she needed him and he wasn't there, how would he still try to make sure she was alright if he wasn't around, he knew he had to try and hold it together, just for now, he told himself, maybe things would improve, maybe Barbara was right and time would help Stevie, but he felt time apart made things worse, she found it easier to live without him, whilst he couldn't live without her, that was why he had been so pushy, but maybe he should leave it, it was a constant battle in his mind and he was barely sleeping, eating, drinking actual water, maybe he'd just punish himself instead, with drugs and alcohol, try to make an album and try to show Stevie she would always have his heart, he had to try and hope, hope that fate would bring them back together and time would return his soulmate to him, he tried to hold onto that hope and just make it through day by day on that, hoping Stevie would get in touch again even after the tour had ended, he had to hope, snow didn't last forever so he hoped Stevie's cold front would melt down and she'd remember what they had and she'd give him another chance, all he wanted was another chance and he knew he would wait and hope for that until the day he died no matter what, she was the poet in his heart.
