I pay for the three snacks at the liquor. I hear the bell ring indicating someone has walked in. I look over my shoulder for a slight second just to glance at who it is. I always try seeming unbothered when someone walks into a room but I always study them and question why they're their. It's a really bad habit. Trying to learn there entire life story just by there appearance.
He's looking at me. Right into my eyes he's standing there in all black. Black jeans this time around. And a black tshirt.
I don't even want the snacks I've been craving so much for anymore. I leave them on the counter and walk past him. He didn't stop me as I walked past him. He didn't stop me until I'm pressing the pad on my key to unlock the car. He didn't stop me that entire walk from the liquor to its parking lot.
"You drive?"
You drive?
"When you aren't in someone's life for four months a lot changes. "
My junior year begins anytime and he of course has to be here. A lot has changed. I think he sees that. I know I've changed, physically a lot. Mentally much more. My dynamic has changed. I hang around complete new people. I'm changed. Or maybe that's what I've been trying to tell myself.
His hands places over mine stopping me from opening the car.
"Let's talk."
"In your car so you can stick your tongue down my throat again?"
I move his hand off me and turn to face him. He isn't as close like he usually would be. He doesn't look prepared. He looks different. He looks tired. Up from hiding. And sadly hot.
"Somewhere more private , it doesn't have to be my car."
Right.
"You killed her." I go straight to the point.
"And you can't stand there and for once be quiet because I know you did. Everyone knows you did. That's why you hid like some pathetic bitch."
My eyes are already watering. And he looks like he was prepared for this.
I'm yelling in a parking lot as the sun is setting. What an amazing impression.
"I killed her and I don't regret it or feel bad for killing her." He says more then needed.
"Might as well kill me next."
"You know that's not how this is." He states. How can he be the one angry.
"You know I have no one? Did you even think about me for two seconds."
"I thought about you the entire time."
"But clearly you care about yourself more."
"That's a lie." He mutters. I look up at him.
"How? Ever since I met you. All you do is ruin anything in your way."
"All you do is lie and kill. And make people do your dirty work. Now thinking about it I don't believe you're even capable of having any decency."
"You've been in my way. And I haven't ruined you."
"I've never lied to your face. That's what she did. I'm constantly protecting you and you don't even see it." His tone is strong yet he's trying to be calm and not yell like me.
"The only protection i needed was from you." I know the words hurt him, they hurt me too.
"You're so blind Serena."
"How?"
"There aren't friends here. She has never been good. You're good. Everyone knows that. You're this perfect flower in a place where everything is dead. Alyssa was going to bring you down with her. Why would I let you rot with her?"
"She had you raped that night or am I wrong? She's the one who showed everyone the video of us in the lockers. She's the one who tried making you something you aren't."
"So you murdered her for me?"
"She's dead. Let it go."
"She hates me more then she cares about you."
"You're better without her."
He's pinning it on me. My tears are falling. He doesn't seem to care though.
"I think you're just mad your daughters dead."
I've figured out so much in four months he doesn't even know. "Maybe stop keeping so much from me. Then I'd have more trust in you."
"You can push me as much as you want marcel. Honestly, and you can run as far away from me. But that won't make your feelings dissolve into sudden air."
"I know we've crossed every line in the book. I just want to know how you feel. That's it marcel. I don't care if I never get to kiss you or even hug you again. I just I don't know—"
My eyes are watering . I refuse to cry. I hate crying in front of people. But it's been getting hard keeping myself together lately.
"I don't know what to feel anymore."
"You're the one who always walks away first." He speaks.
"You always leave." I remind him.
"So if you're going to dip out of my life again maybe tell me, and make things clear. Because you're horrible at expressing any sort of emotions."
"I shouldn't have kissed you at the hotel. Or anytime after that. I shouldn't have done a lot of things. My words aren't going to change the fact I made you fall for me too hard at a way too young age. Just because your almost seventeen now doesn't mean anything has really changed. I wish I regretted it. I swear I've been genuine you just make it hard to keep away from touching. I didn't want to make you uncomfortable. But I know one day you'll wake up and hate yourself for it. But it wasn't your fault. I don't even want to sound manipulative. I never will gaslight you. I cared too much for you. I've done it all for you I promise even if it doesn't look like it. I just want you safe. And content."
I already know these things.
"Serena you have to understand I'm not as good as your littler perspective is thinking. I don't need your feelings in the way of things."
"So what do you want to do?"
"I think if I say that we won't leave this car."
"If you're going to leave again tell me. And when you do, make sure not to come back into my life."
I have so many questions. Alyssa told me so much about him. I didn't want to believe any of it. But most of it was just horror.
"That's what you want?"
"It's what I've wanted from the beginning."
No it's not.
The truth.
I want to tell him how much I missed him. Not for him but for myself. And maybe for a slight hope he will understand my feelings. Maybe he does know. He can't be that stupid.
I don't know where he stands. At all.
I want him to kiss me hard again like the last. Like every kiss. We kiss like it's our last kiss just to fold again. This time it's different because I know he kisses other girls. Of course his age. I'm not oblivious. I ignore the jealousy. Try to. And it hurts. I want to hate him. So bad. I think I just want him more.
"Bye."
I don't have anything else to say. No, I have too much to say and I can't breathe with him like that. Staring at me waiting for me to yell at him or something. He's completely torn me apart and I'm a crying mess driving back to my house. I don't know why I have a habit on wiping my tears every second trying to force myself to stop. Because they only fall harder.
