Roses may have thorns, but they are still fragile

Alright, my friend got me into wattpad yesterday, and im not sure really what to do, but i feel i should write something. It seems to be useful to her as an outlet, so why not. well first off, lets start with why I'm doing this. I guess i just find it hard to express myself, or even talk about how i feel. It's hard for me to verbalize how i feel, my emotions, and sometimes evrn my thoughts. I like to draw, and that is how i express myself but i feel like theres more, more than an image can provide. That is why I am writing. All these people don't know who i really am, and im scared because I'm not sure i do anymore either.

i know what you're thinking, "oh how cliché, a teenager and his problems that everyone goes through". Well maybe you're right, I honestly dont know if what im going through is normal.

I wasn't always like this. for all i can remember it started when i moved to Virginia. if you knew me in 5th grade, and then you knew how i am now, you would think i am 100% different. And i know, everyone changes over the years, i get it. But i changed for the worse. up till the end of 5th grade i was a straight A student, i knew everybody and everyone knew me.i was that kid you saw in really cheesy movies who walked through the halls getting waves or highfives from everyone. all of it ended that summer when my mom interviewed for a job promo and got it. Don't get me wrong, i was happy for her, i guess you could say excited that she was moving up in the ranks. But then it dawned on me, as she moved up, I moved down... not just acouple ranks, i mean in the dirt at the bottom of the pit.

I'm probably going to sound alittle egotistic (sorry if thats not the word im not good with them) in this next part, but i dont mind. honestly i WAS egotistic in 6th grade, id like to say im over it but im not sure. when i moved to virginia it was like i was blind-folded and driven 500 miles into a forest. I had no clue what was happening or what to even do with myself. i wasnt used to being the kid who knew no-one. it didnt feel right to me. I reached a new low that year. it didnt help that i fell into the wrong crowd. i somehow found my way into a group of judging racist vulgar kids that only cared about how you dressed, if you swore, and if you found sex jokes funny. and im not gonna lie, i changed and became just like one of them. i started dropping grades because i put my rep first.

this progressed until finally i realized that isnt how i wanted to be. that wasnt me... so i went towards expressing myself the way i felt comfortable. all i got was negative feedback. i just couldnt get out of this hole, that i myself dug in 6th grade. my first actual relationship got ruined because i couldnt be my own person. i liked this girl and i finally got the balls to ask her out. she said yes. but my friends didnt say yes, they didnt approve. they thought she was ugly (oh yeah i forgot to say they didnt care if someone was nice, just if they were nice looking and had a hot body) so it got to the point where i could barely hug her in public because i was embarrassed and couldnt stop thinking about what my friends thought. so i broke up with her. i couldnt lose that sliver of a bad friendship. cause i didnt want to lose the little i managed to regain.

8th grade, what a lovely year, aha not! because of puberty my hair stared to get super curly. i dont like curly hair but i like longer hair, so i straightened it, friends= Cole you're gay! because its not like 100 other guys in the school do it. i started liking this girl that again they didnt think was hot enough. Friends= wow what a fag! doest matter that its a girl i like, or that one of them dated her a while ago. friends= doesnt matter, you're gay.

ok now 9th grade. the year i said fuck you all and just did what i wanted. the year i realized who i wanted to be. i found a group of real friends. not going to mention names but truly genuine friends. ones i know that i could call anytime of day and just rant, and they'll be there. even if they have their own shit to deal with, if youve got a problem they all help and care. and although they are great, it still didnt get rid of the others. I wear skinny jeans always. i decidedto wear red ones one day... i still do every so often. but i wear them and heres a list of things i might hear in a day ( and it doesnt matter how many other straight guys wear red jeans, just me)

Oh wow look at that fag!

Dud

e why are you sooo gay

just, dont talk to me im straight dude

oh did you forget to wear a tampon? i think youve stained your pants (or any other period jokes ah so funny-_-)

i picked up drawing as an outlet. my friends (and when i say that im talking about my tru friends now) all said i was really good so i posted some on facebook, see what other people think. i posted the first one (i mostly draw roses by the way) and ofcourse the first comment was from this guy that said wow you're such a fag you drew a rose. second picture same thing from 3 different people. its gotten to the point where anything i post on facebook anymore gets atleast two comments stating how gay i am. Im tired of it, i cut. i mean alot. and when i do its not across the wrist normally its cuts the length of my forearm. ive stopped and its been a couple weeks, but sometimes i cry at night longing to see the blood and feel the pain. thats all im writing today, i may post more later, or not... im not sure

~Cole "the fag" -_-