Intertwined

Chapter twenty- Overbearing weight can cumble with the slightest touch

Atsumu's POV:

One week, it's been one whole week of cold shoulders; harsh endings to already short conversations, and the missing presents of his lingering stares which always left me feeling bare and naked, however filled me with the strange feeling of feel warmth and comfort. I had people dislike me, sure I have, I know my personality isn't for everyone, I know I cause more problems than good, I know people are better off without out me sometimes.

But I hate it when I've caused others pain or made them hurt in anyway, I hate it because I don't like the feeling of people not liking me. Yes I know I said I know others dislike me, I also act as if I'm unfazed by it~ however, in all honesty it makes me feel sick knowing me as a person, just existing makes people upset.

I try everything;
my charm. Doesn't work.
My confidence. Doesn't work.
My looks. Doesn't work.
I try anything to make people like me or just notice me, just once. Nothing ever works.

Over time I expected the cycle to continue, for people to not like me, then me try and impress them; to then being forgotten about. And I was right it did continue, all though my teenage years; the pain of knowing deep down no one actually knew what I was like, as I always moulded myself around what they wanted me to be. Not who I wanted to be, or how I wanted to truly be.

So, as I got into my adult years I just stopped caring about what I wanted and threw the idea of being me away, it was easier like this, knowing that I would fit in better pretending to be something I am not. It was so easy, pretending that is.

So why all of a sudden does the idea of sakusa not liking me, make me so much for infuriated than the others. He's just another person, linked with my job nothing more, we have no past memories linking us and at this rate we probably won't have interlinked futures due to my own unknown actions.

Then why do I want to apologise to him over and over again even though I know nothing of what I have done to make him dislike me, why do I want to know him? Why do I want to let him in my head, help clear all the thoughts which have plagued me since my young years, when I can't even let myself in half of the time?

"Tsumu? Ya good? You've been like spacing out for the past ten minutes", I'm suddenly awoken by the soft, but gruff voice of my twin who's sat leisurely next to me on our shared leather sofa. I give him no reply, just a simply nod, hoping he gets the message to drop it and that he's worrying for no reason. But of course he ignores the silence and questions further.

"Don't gimme that shit, we've been by each other's sides since we was in the fucking womb, literally. So don't shut me out, because I know damn well somein ain't right, ya have been distant with everyone even koshiro has noticed a change and he's nearly two", I stay silent, knowing that if I open my stupid mouth I will start crying, another thing I've always hated, I'm always so over emotional.

My father always saw me as the weak one between me and osamu, due to me crying over little things, but he soon drilled into me that only people who are weak are never going to find anyone willing to stick around because I'll be to much for them. So I pushed it down far as I could take it, making sure that I only let out my true feelings when I'm alone, but sometimes it just does get to much for me.

"Atsumu, talk ta me, we're alone, there's no one else here so let it out, I'll be here to put ya back together again", and so I did, I let it out, mainly just tears while samu held my head to his shoulder showing me that he was there not leaving.

"Everything got to much ah?", all I could physically muster was a slight nod into his tear soaked shoulder, he hums acknowledging my non-verbal reply, "non-verbal for now?", I nod once more showing him that I'm to overstimulated to verbally communicate with him or anyone for the time being. He hums once more.