You have this tendency not to tell people what you really think and feel. It felt to me that the consequences of putting emotions and thoughts into words scare you. You always carry these vague thoughts with you, while trusting yourself to get it all back clear soon. As a first-born child, you were built to be as firm and strong in every possible way. And trust me when I say you really are, even with those low points I've seen of you.
One of the most important things I've learned through this pandemic is to appreciate being with people. To have someone who's willing to know how's your day gone. To have someone who's willing to check up on you every once in a while. To have someone who's willing to adjust and help you make your day less crappy. They're not worth even a doubled billion-dollar deal. It's with them and allowing yourself to be with them, that counts.
You won't speak up, because you may not want to bother people. You won't speak up, because people may expect you not to show any weaknesses. You won't speak up, because you may think you can do this all alone.
But being strong doesn't mean you don't have to be vulnerable anymore. Staying silent can really be draining mentally, emotionally, and physically, for it takes a lot of effort. I know how that feels. But it is never too late to let us, the people who love you, be your pawns to your unspoken wars. Let us, the people who care for you, cry with you when everything feels so unfair. Let us, the people who look out for you, hear what your mind speaks up.
Trust me when I say, it's allowing yourself to be with people, and genuinely with the right people, that counts.
