"you're just scared."
"what?"
"only someone terrified of love would be so desperate to control it."
the moment the words leave his lips, ámbar questions everything. she questions all of the late nights she's spent at her mirror, all of the journal entries that never got to see the light of day, the unsent messages to those she wronged.
and in a way, he was right.
but she'd never let him know that.
"i'm not scared," she protests adamantly, but she can see the smirk settling in on simón's lips. "never was, either."
simón lets out a sigh and leaves her standing by the long line of dressing room mirrors. "whatever you say."
they've been playing this game of cat and mouse for what feels like ages, and simón knew they both just needed some clarity. he'd been open about his feelings for her- he always had. he knew they had something special since the beginning, and there was only one problem keeping them from that.
the only problem was her.
no matter how many compliments, how many singing lessons, how many times they'd skate together, how many kisses in the hidden closet in the back staircase of her house- ámbar would never admit she felt the same way.
until today, simón thought. he was going to convince her to tell him the truth. to get her to admit that he's been making her crazy. exactly as she was doing to him.
"you know what, no," simón said after a minute of thick silence.
"excuse me?" ámbar's eyes shot up from the ground, an incredulous look forming on her face. "simón, you can't tell me how i feel. you don't get to do that."
"you're right," he admits. "but i can get you to show it."
before she has a moment to process, his lips are on hers and she melts against them. he's warm and sweet and tastes like caramel coffee. the kiss is slow but full of need, and it leaves her breathless. his hands slowly run up her sides, stopping briefly at her waist before continuing up her chest. his breath is hot against her face as the kiss deepens. his hands cup her face for the last few moments, and she swears she feels an electric shock go through her.
"what are you doing," she breathes when he parts from her, resting their foreheads together. his hands are on her shoulders, simultaneously strong and soft.
he pants, "showing you how you feel."
"you don't know how i feel, simón," she shakes her head softly, slightly pulling herself back. "you don't get to tell me that."
"i didn't tell you anything," he says smugly. "and that kiss was mutual."
"you don't know that."
"your lips beg to differ."
ámbar closes her eyes for a second and takes a deep breath. "i'm not scared," she says finally.
"you are," he scoffs. "you like control- admit it. and the thought of losing control over that aspect of your life scares you."
she did love control. for as long as she could remember, she was always the leader. with her friends, skating, singing. she had her whole life mapped out, and a relationship with simón alvarez was not on that map.
but she wasn't scared, per say.
definitely not scared.
"i don't know what you're talking about."
they're back to different sides of the room again. her wall's back up and he's trying to peek in through the cracks in the brick.
simón runs his hands over his face and rests his elbows on his knees. "listen, ámbar. you know how i feel. i've laid that all out on the table. i've always been straightforward with you on that, and you keep coming back to me, despite never admitting you feel the same. why?"
she remembers the first time he told her. they had just finished practice and both happened to be in the locker room at the same time. they were both sitting on the bench, untying their skates when he said it.
i really like spending time with you, ámbar. and i think we just have this connection. he said it so innocently. they'd been picked to perform a duet at an upcoming competition, and had been spending a lot of time together. still, it surprised ámbar. she wasn't used to boys being so forward with her.
that was ages ago. they were babies. but he was right, he always knew. and he made sure she'd know it, too. he'd been telling her how he felt for years, and she'd always follow the same routine. give into him (because how could you not?), give him some satisfaction, lead him on, and forget about it the next day. well, act like she forgot about it.
truthfully, she could never forget about simón.
it had been silent for quite some time. simón's shuffle of his feet on the carpet brings her back.
"because i like control," she whispers. "and i'm scared."
simón's eyes shoot up to meet hers. "what?"
"i'm scared," she admits a little louder. "is that what you wanted to hear? i'm scared, simón."
"scared of what?" simón asks. "why are you scared?"
"i'm scared of falling in love with you!" she blurts, and the expression his face makes is unreadable.
he's been wanting to hear her say this for years, but now that the moment's here, he doesn't know what to do. "what?" he asks softly. his eyes search hers, suddenly seeing such a vulnerable side of her.
"I'm scared of falling in love with you," she repeats, her eyes darting back and forth between his eyes and his lips. the lips she'd been kissing for years but could never get herself to commit to. "all my life, i've clung to control. my family's a mess, so it was hard to come by. i needed to have that sense of stability, and i found that in my love life- even when i was dating matteo, at least i had control over that. he was part of my high school plan. get good grades, get a nice boyfriend, have friends who supported me, or at least acted like they did." she's rambling now, and simón sits watching her, mouth slightly parted open. "but you, simón alvarez? you were never part of that plan."
simón stands to meet her in the middle of the room. "what if you write me in now?"
ámbar blinks. "what?" she breathes out in a stifled laugh.
"your plan," simón shrugs. "what if you write me in now?" it's quiet again, ámbar contemplating the thought. "ámbar, i can't give you control of what you've lost. i can't give you control over sharon or sol benson or your friends. but we can control this. you and me."
ámbar thinks back to all of the compliments, all of the singing lessons, all of the times they'd skate together, all of the kisses in the hidden closet in the back staircase of her house. and she smiles. "okay." her voice is shaky, but it's growing confident. "okay, simón. let's write you in."
truthfully, the thought of adding this detour into her life terrified her, but what was life without a little thrill? she had lost control over the really important things in her life a long time ago, she was clinging onto a false sense of hope that it would all come back to her.
"yeah?" he smiles.
"yeah." she closes the distance between them and grazes her lips over his. "sometimes, love's hard to control."
