Not So Hot Girls Summer

9

Yesterday had been a whirlwind, both physically and emotionally. It was a day where I had been exposed to so much more than everyday life itself. Both me and Jordan had witnessed trauma on only our first day together, he had exposed anger and upset towards me that I had never experienced before, and then he had revealed his true emotions. Emotions I went to bed believing I wanted to hear. 

But I woke up thinking of Christian. A carefree being who lived for himself. Someone who led his life day by day with no fear of judgement and no anxieties of the future. Someone's perspective on life who completely altered my own outlook in the space of one night.
Had I not seen a young man lose his life in front of me the same day, maybe his words of living might not have been as poignant and encouraging, but I had been inspired. Inspired to experience the freedom he had pathed for his future and experience the feelings that he did.

Life was too short to rely on others for happiness, and Christian was proof that you didn't need another human being to find such happiness. He had found freedom himself through travel. But it was these feelings, this new confident outlook at doing something for myself that muddled with everything I felt for Jordan.
One evening out with a backpacker and I had managed to land myself in a situation where my mind was spiralling out of control. I wanted freedom but I also wanted Jordan. I couldn't have both. That's just the way things in life worked. You couldn't have everything. It was an impossible feeling; the prospect of potentially freeing myself from my claustrophobic mind through actually living but it competed heavily with the possibility of being with Jordan.
I was confused and restless.
Morning couldn't come soon enough for insomnia had hit me in full force.

After only a few hours sleep I woke with Jordan next to me, still curled peacefully on his side breathing slightly heavier than normal. He was beautiful. Every inch of him, inside and out, he had proven to be beautiful. It would have been the perfect love story I was after, had I not just spent half the night awake thinking of the new pathway I believed I needed to take.

I clambered out of the bed and checked my phone for the time. I had a message from Maddie, received at 4am.

I don't know where you are or what you're doing, but I wanted to just let you know we're having a great time here on Gili.

If it was an attempt to make me jealous, for once in my life, it hadn't worked, but just to confirm my lack of feelings, I impulsively switched to Instagram to find her profile where of course, I was able to watch her endless stories from the previous 24 hours. I glared at the screen, watching a charade of dancing and drinking well into the early hours of morning, both of the girls surrounded by boys who I did and did not know.
But even after reading the text and watching the girls evening unfold on social media for all the world to see, I felt like I had come a long way. Just in escaping their friendship, I had taken a step into creating a life for myself that I wanted. I no longer had a fear of missing out, for I finally realised I had no interest in their idea of a good time, I was currently finding mine. But most significant of all and possibly the most upsetting, I realised I wasn't going to miss their friendship, even if it had formed a massive part of my life for the last fifteen years. This wasn't because I thought they were horrible people, they weren't, they just weren't my people, and away from them, I no longer felt an anxiety of trying to impress or fit in. What I watched on my phone meant nothing to me. It was just unfortunate it had taken me so many years of my life to feel nothing.

With this sudden revelation and sense of relief, I replied to her message.

Hi Mads
It's nice to hear from you. I'm sorry we left the way we did; I just knew that it was the best thing to do for both of us to fully enjoy ourselves. Anyway, I see your Instagram stories last night. It looks like you're having a great time. Keep enjoying Hot Girls Summer. Have fun.
Stay safe
Amelie