Ephemeral | 𝘌𝘳𝘦𝘔𝘪𝘬𝘢 𝘖𝘯𝘦 𝘚𝘩𝘰𝘵

Ephemeral

I'll be summer sun for you forever
Forever winter if you go

-Forever Winter by Taylor Swift

"Tell me what the fuck is going on, Eren. I am so confused, why.. why are we alone here? We have no neighbors and whenever I.. whenever I try to stroll around the forest, I thought I was already far but damn.. I always.. I am fucking always just near the cabin! We do not run out of stocks and how many months have we been here? We've been here for three years Eren and we haven't even gone to the market. Wait, is there even one?" I cried nonstop as I tell him all the weird things I've noticed these past months. "Enlighten me because I am so confused. I am feeling insane." He cupped my cheeks and wiped my tears.

"Mikasa.. didn't I tell you we are in this sequestered place alone? Just the two of us." He smiled but his smile looks deceitful so instead of agreeing, I shook my head indicating I won't be fooled by him ever again. He tried to keep on explaining but I would always shake my head in disapproval, making him lose patience. He sighed and pulled his hair with his tears falling as well. "I am sorry. I know you are confused but I can't hurt you twice. I can't let the situation hurt you twice. The best thing I could ever do was make it all up to you and the only way I can do that was do this." I think that.. this is the only time I nodded.

No matter what you do, no matter what I do, no matter how many alternate realities you make, this will always end the same. I will always end up losing you, won't I? I gulped and put my legs close to my chest, shedding my tears again. I didn't understand you at first.. but now, I can finally comprehend everything. I am finally able to connect all the pieces you left, I finally know exactly why. 

I rested my head on the wall of the cabin we built together as I let my tears drip down my face. It hurts, because we didn't have enough time but we were already in the right love. And in the other reality, we were in the wrong situation. Then Eren.. when can I have you? When can I have you and not only the scarf you gave me when we were young? When can I have you and not only the green shirt you always wore when you were alive that I am wearing now? When can I inhale your scent from you and not just from this green shirt I have on?

I crawled my way to the drawer he made and opened each layer, hoping for more of his traces that he left. I smiled when I saw the small treasure chest he worked on for weeks.

"Open this at exactly April 1st.", was written on the paper attached to the wooden box. Wait.. it's April 1st today, isn't it? I laughed and wiped my tears while opening the chest. A portrait of me and.. a letter? I instantly opened up both papers, he really is talented.. he drew me beautifully, almost perfect even. I am not this beautiful. After staring at the portrait for a while, I decided to read the letter he left.

Mikasa, was the first thing written on the letter but he tried to erase it by covering it with ink.

My love,

Have I ever mentioned that I am head-over-heels in love with you? No? Well then now, I am telling you. I am so in love with you that it changed me in ways I couldn't believe someone could ever do to me. Love can really make you do the impossible, right? Mika.. I was never afraid of dying. Every night I go to bed, I don't even give a shit even if I die in my sleep.

But you know? Everything changed when I first slept beside you in this cabin. For the first time, I hoped I could have more time to live. For the first time, I hoped to wake up the next morning. For the first time, I felt scared of what might happen. You know why it changed? It changed because of you.. I wanted to hold you forever and never let go of what we have. I was scared to leave you. Everyday, I can feel my time running out and I've never been this terrified. Running out of time became my phobia because I have you and also because I know that if I die, you'll be the one to bury me, the one who will dig my grave. I am gonna hurt you.

I realized, I can never do anything even if I am the most powerful man in the world. I will still end up hurting you.. the only difference is that, I got to show you and tell you how much you mean to me because in the other reality, I never had the chance to do that. Speaking of that, I know you are getting dreams of your life there.

They are hurting you don't they? I am sorry you had to go through so much pain because of me. I still wonder why we have to be chosen for such a terrible fate. Why us? Don't we deserve better as well?

Also, I know as well that you are thinking that you are imperfect so how can I draw such a goddess in that portrait. Mikasa, in my eyes.. you are perfect - the most beautiful girl in the world with such a beautiful soul with a heart that can give as much as the love you've given me. For me, your eyes are treasures I would never get tired of looking at.

 Nevertheless, running away with you was the best thing I ever did in my entire life, even if you include the other reality. I'll never forget the way your eyes shined when you look at the skies, the way you say my name, the way your cheeks heat up, the way you open your arms for me every time I go insane, and of course, the way you loved me in the best way you can. I love you my wife, it's jus devastating how we never got the chance to have our little ones. If you miss me, look up in the skies.. observe the stars because every moment we shared were preserved in those shiny things. But still, I love you.

See you,
Eren

I hugged the piece of paper and cried a mix of sad and happy tears. I looked at my left hand with a wooden ring on my ring finger, the only remembrance that we are husband and wife. I removed the ring and.. my hands felt so empty but instead of wearing it again, I put it on the floor then took Eren's ring out of the drawer. Putting them beside each other made me feel connected with Eren again, with my love. My whole body suddenly felt weak, making me lie down on the cold floor. I miss you..

"Run away with me, Mikasa.."

"I will love you as much as I can for the rest of the time I have left."

"Don't cry.. I will see you later."

"Thank you.. for marrying me. For choosing me."

"Anywhere with you is fine."

"Rest for the whole day, I will take care of you."

"I thought dying is easy but seeing you cry like this because of me, makes it a million times harder than I thought. I don't want to die! I want to be with you."

"I loved me by loving you, so thank you."

"Forget about me.. be free."

"Live a long life without me. Live it with happiness. Find love, forget me."

"You can do it because you are an Ackerman, you are stronger than anyone. You managed to live without me before, you will be able to do it now."

Wrong.

Wrong.

Wrong.

That's what you are, Eren. You are wrong. Because.. 

"Just.. what would I do now that you're gone?" I am not as strong as you think because when it comes to losing you, I am weak, fragile, vulnerable. I am nothing, I am not an Ackerman.. I am just me.. a girl who wants you to stay. Right love, not enough time. Right love, wrong situation. When will everything be right? You are a once in a lifetime opportunity, nothing can ever equal to you. Nothing could ever be as great as loving you. You are irreplaceable, unforgettable, you are my one and only. 

I'll ceaselessly love you, and I'll constantly miss you. Time isn't moving for me at all, I am still in the days when I still have you beside me. This sorrow is unbearable but you.. my love, you are my favorite temporary..

See you later. That's a promise, I'll see you later.