I jump
I land
I turn
I stop
I jump
I land
Everyday is the same, a big jumble nothing but a blur. I have a strong sense of self awareness but I have no control, my memories no longer exists.
I can't steer, I can't break, I can't speed up, nothing. I can do nothing
I'm stuck in autopilot iv been like this for as long as I can remember it something iv began to call home
But when I jump and land and kick and turn I feel everything, I feel myself
I feel the clothes on my back, the ground beneath me, the air on my skin, my hair on my shoulders , I feel everything
I feel happiness
Afterwards I can feel the ache in my bones after iv overworked myself
clawing at the ground trying to not get dragged back into my "home"
But eventually the lights dim, the curtain closes and I'm pulled back and chained to the wall of darkness iv created for myself
At first I didn't know why I always came back to this spot in the forest maybe because it's beautiful, still and peaceful
3 things iv always longed to be but like many things I never got the opportunity to accomplish and I never will
The forest was still until that feeling called again only then did the realization as to why I was here set in
I no longer had the strength to fight I was tired this battle has been fought before and lost time and time again
It was time to surrender and lose the war
I took off my jacket and shoes and let my hair down
And for the final time I felt everything, I felt my hair in the wind, the air on my skin, the cold nipping at my legs, my feet imbedded in the grass and the moonlight on my face
This would be my last show, my mind and consciousness the only audience for miles
Maybe my final performance is an apology to my family,my friends, myself?...maybe the world for wasting the oxygen I pull into my lungs everyday that I never truly take for granted
I began my performance with the moonlight on my face the sun was slowly on its way
my feet were bleeding, my arms and legs beginning to give out and turn purple from the cold morning air, but I felt no pain
I take my final turn and bow
I begin to do what iv longed for...the sun hit my face as I did the unthinkable
The blood that trickled down my arms from the damage i just inflicted apon myself was inferior to the constant internal conflict Iv indured for as long as I can remember
As my legs finally gave out and my head hit the grass beneath me the lights dimmed and the audience cheered
There was no pain, no tears, just still silence and peace
However in my final moments I did find it amusing and ironic that this time I jumped and I would never truly be landing
It was over, the front I put on of myself, the talent I never truly recognized the hobby I called home was done and gone
The body that I was never truly comfortable in, The mind that was given to me by my beloved mother that I couldn't ever seem to keep at peace, would be no longer
As my heart took its last beat and my eyes slowly closed and I felt the warmth of the world
I jumped
...
I turned
...
I jumped
...
My performance was done at last.
