The Prodigy

Sex Machina

In today's meeting, Brett wanted to show off his new "invention" to the gang. "In conclusion, by duct taping a bunch of drones together, you get The Drone Throne!" Brett explains, turning on the drones. "God Bless America!" Glenn salutes. "Honestly, I'm just wondering how this would go on Shark Tank." I said, just as Brett crashes into the screen. "Brett! Are you okay?" Brett gave me a thumbs up. "Great news everyone!" JR exclaimed on the TV screen. "We've officially purchased the dating app RightSwipe. We now have a blackmailer's ransom in personal data." "Oh my God, it's every profile in DC, including Myc's?" Andre gasped. "Huh, "Mold Diggers swipe left."" "Andre identifies as alwayssexual?" Brett asked. "That's not a real thing." I explained. "Surprise, surprise, it says Gigi's attracted to power." Reagan said sarcastically. "Power is attracted to me, honey." Gigi corrected. "With all this user data, we finally have enough dick pics to blackmail the two remaining branches of government we don't control." JR said, pulling up pictures of dicks. "Reagan, I want you working late sorting through these dicks." "Yes, sir." Reagan groaned. "Three-to-one odds it's the first dick she's seen in months." Myc chuckled. "Oh, I'll take that action." Glenn said. "Oh, hell yeah, that's easy money." Gigi added. We all threw some money on the table. "What the hell? What is that?" Reagan asked. "Are you betting on my dating life?" "More like winning on your dating life." I replied. "Five-to-one she dies alone." Gigi added. "Sorry, Reagan. Nothing personal." Brett apologized, putting money into the center. "Well, we're gambling on when you'll finally get a boyfriend, so I guess it's incredibly personal." "Ugh, why is everyone so obsessed with me getting a boyfriend?" Reagan asked. "Wow, when she said boyfriend, she was picturing the older brother from Boy Meets World, that's how long it's been." Myc said. "Have you seen the little brother in the spinoff?" I asked. "Fucking hot as hell." "I can't imagine you with a guy." Andre said. "Don't you reproduce by cell division?" "Fine. How about this for a bet? I'm changing this week's mission." Reagan explains. "Double or nothing, I'll have a boyfriend by next week. Then maybe you idiots will stop gossiping about me and focus on work for once. DC, prepare to date Reagan Ridley." Reagan takes a selfie in front of the dick pics, using that as her profile picture. "Gross!" I shouted. "Subtle." Myc commented.

Gigi, Myc, and I decided to take some bets from other coworkers. "What are you betting on now?" Glenn asked. "It turns out RightSwipe keeps an attractiveness score for every user." Gigi explains. "Brett's a perfect 10." I added, showing the score on my laptop. "It's an honor just to be objectified." Brett said. "What am I?" Glenn asked as I checked his results. "Wait! Don't tell me. Subtract a point for being divorced, add one for being a veteran. And then, there's the face. But I got a lot of baseball cards, so... a goddamn zero?! How's that even possible? It's on a one-to-ten scale!" "Those numbers don't mean anything." Brett said, trying to cheer up Glenn. "It's about what's in your heart." "Says you, Hemsworth!" Glenn snapped. "If I could coast on my looks like you, I'd be on easy street." "Guys, you don't think people just like me for my looks, right?" Brett asked with a frown. "Sweetie, don't frown." Gigi replied. "It ruins the part of you that people like." "Ever since I merged my DNA with a dolphin, my life has been shit! When I try to unlock my phone with my face, it sends out an amber alert!" Glenn shouted. "I bet if you had to live a week with this mug, you'd be begging me to switch back!" "We'll take that action!" Gigi, Myc, and I exclaimed.

After telling Andre about Brett and Glenn's bet, they both put on some hospital gowns for the procedure. "Y'all are swapping faces. First man to ask for their face back loses." Gigi explains. "Any questions?" "Are you kidding?" Glenn asked. "Just get this face off of me!" "Yes! Face/Off!" Brett exclaimed. "That's my favorite movie where faces come off." "This is gonna take a lot of anesthetic." Andre said, inhaling the anesthesia himself. "Alright, let's do some John Woo shit."

After Andre finished the surgery, he made a huge mistake, so he decided to just swap brains like in Freaky Friday.

"Who's got two thumbs and is about to win your bet?" Reagan asked, revealing a robot boyfriend. "Heyo, bitches!" "Holy Christ, it's finally happening." Myc said. "She's fucking a robot!" "Reagan, honey, you really think one of your science experiments is boyfriend material?" Gigi asked. "I'm with Gigi on this one, Reagan." I added. "I mean, Robotus almost destroyed the entire human race." "Guys, I made him out of literal boyfriend material. Besides, I'll kick his ass if he does go rogue on me." Reagan explains. "Isn't that right, babe?" "I'm programmed to agree with you, so, yes, babe." The robot replied. "Good Lord, this is sad." Myc said. "What is with you and creating artificial intelligence?!" I asked. "While everyone else is wasting their lives swiping, I created the perfect man who will never disappoint me. He even has two settings, Netflix and chill." Reagan continued, controlling the robot. "Let's watch Planet Earth." The robot said, while Reagan gave it a new command. "Let's watch Planet Earth on mute." "Yikes, fine, alright." Myc groaned, paying Reagan with a stack of cash. "You clearly needs this more than I do." "Everyone hear that?" Reagan asked. "Reagan solved romance!" "Wanna go home and put on sweatpants?" The robot asked. "You understand me." Reagan replied. "We're so fucked." I mumbled.

To avoid a gambling addiction, I went back to the office to complete some coding. However, I lost my focus when I got a phone call from Glenn. "No, Glenn, I told you that I can't max out Dolores's credit cards." I sighed. "Lise, can I crash at your place tonight?" Brett asked. "Sorry, Brett. I thought you were Glenn." I apologized. "Doesn't either of you have your own place?" "I live 50 yards from a school." Brett explains. "I would pick you up, but I don't have my drivers license. And even if I did, I don't have a car." I said. "Gotta go, see ya, byeeee!"

The next day, while counting our earnings, I overheard Brett and Glenn screaming. "Holy shit." Myc said. "I'm sensing that Brett sexually satisfied Glenn's wife." "Damn. Dolores is a hoe!" I gasped. "Oh my God! How do we give JR nine-to-one odds on that?" Gigi asked. "I got the broad base of it." Glenn said. "Let's fire up the Face/Off shit. This war hero's turning back into a zero." "Alright, who bet this thing would have a tight moral?" Myc asked.

BRB, I'm taking a bit of time to watch the second part before I continue. -Mal.