The Prodigy

My Big Flat Earth Wedding

This morning at HQ, JR had shown us footage from a CNN special report, showing people protesting against the Earth being round. Flat-Earthers are so annoying. "My God, this flat Earth nonsense." JR groaned. "Why do conspiracies keep getting stupider?" "If they only knew the obvious truth." Gigi replied. "The Earth isn't flat. It's hollow and filled with mole people, sea monsters, and that family from Land of the Lost." "They don't know about the mole people?" Myc asked. "That's what happens when schools cut science funding." I replied. "I didn't know shit about this until I was hired, but I guess that makes sense." All of a sudden, Reagan bursts into HQ with what looked like a wedding cake. "You fail me again and I find out where your family lives!" Reagan groaned over the phone, hanging up. "Florists, am I right? Thank God my mom's wedding is tonight. I'm so sick of planning this thing." "Oh, I love weddings." Gigi said. "They're a celebration of two souls who got sick of dating apps and settled." "That's the kicker. My mom is getting married to herself." Reagan explains. "Oh, that's two Tamikos on the invite." Myc realized. "I just thought your mom was a lesbian and I was racist." "Wait, Tamiko is marrying herself?" I asked. "Didn't Sue Sylvester do the exact same thing in an episode of Glee?" "My mom marrying herself is just another dramatic stunt to piss off my dad." Reagan complained, showing camera footage of her plan. "That's why I've been working on an active coverup. My dad finds out about this wedding, it'll be total chaos." "Well, the rest of us are stoked for a cruise under the stars on JR's super yacht." Brett said. "Please, Brett, mega yacht." JR corrected. "We have an on board horse track." "And I volunteer to be security." Glenn insisted. "I spent my own wedding doing cavity searches of suspicious guests. Turns out we didn't even need a registry." "I've been to 16 different weddings, and all of them were for Aunt Darcy." I said. "She dumped a bunch of very nice guys because they weren't hot enough. One of them was a girl because she was exploring her sexuality." "See, Reagan? Weddings are magical." Brett said. "Stop worrying about your parents and have some fun." "Fun?" Reagan asked. "You have no idea what my parents are capable of. I just need to get through this, 'cause as soon as we redock, I'm on the next flight to Bora Bora. Old Reagorino's gonna lay on a beach and enjoy having blood pressure in the recommended range. Anchor's up at 4 pm, guys. Don't be late. Everything needs to be perfect!" "Oh, you need a massage." Myc said, placing his tentacles on Reagan's head. "Oh, God, her mind! The rage! The terror! Oh, we live on the edge of a knife! This wedding could doom us all!" Myc banged on the table while freaking out and fell to the floor. "Myc, you continue to scare the living shit out of me." I sighed. "BT-Dubs, if anyone needs it, I know how to do a bow tie." Brett offered.

Gigi came to pick me up the day of Tamiko's wedding. Once I got on the ship, Glenn was in charge of the security, just like his own wedding apparently. "I don't know how I feel about this." I said while Glenn was scanning me. "Just checking for firearms, Lisa." Glenn explained. "You're clear." "I was clear the whole time, Glenn." I sighed. "That body search was extremely unnecessary." "Next!" Glenn shouted as Andre stepped up to the metal detector, holding a briefcase. "Open your bags." "Nothing bad in here." Andre replied, opening the briefcase. "Just tons of illegal drugs." "No problem, buddy." Glenn said, throwing Andre's drugs into the ocean. "No! Oh, God! No!" Andre cried, just as a scuba diver was getting high just from being in the now contaminated water. "Should we be concerned about this?" I asked. "Protocol is protocol." Glenn explains. "This is a clean event." "Uh, no worries. I'm as fun clean as I am wasted." Andre said. "Just a little different." "Huh, I've never seen you sober." Myc pointed out. "This'll either be interesting or profoundly uninteresting." "Either way, it's gonna be interesting!" Andre shouted, sucking helium from a balloon. "Put the helium down." Gigi demanded. "Hey! Hey!" Andre exclaimed as Gigi, Myc, and I took him away from the balloons. Seeing Andre sober up is going to be fucking entertaining. I honestly thought I'd never see the day.

While waiting for the wedding to start, I sat with Gigi, Myc, and Andre on the deck of the boat. Andre was having an existential crisis without his drugs. "Did I tell you guys about my RPG tournament in high school?!" Andre asked. "It was..." "High stakes Elder Scrolls." Gigi, Myc, and I joined in. "We know. You're the only person who tells the same bad story over and over when they're not drunk." Myc complained. "When I'm sober, my anxiety flares up." Andre explains. "Shit! Piss! Boob! Gigi, you look stunning!" Andre takes Gigi's drink and shatters the glass all over us. "The fuck?" Gigi asked. "Andre, this dress is a rental!" I complained. "Sorry, so does my Tourette's." Andre apologized. "But at least my OCD is under... one, two, three, four, four, three, two, one." "We need drugs. Now!" Myc cried.