No, I'm Just Delusional (Phan) RE-WRITE IN PROCESS

Sincere

Dan -

I feel hands reach up and touch my face, brushing the tears that are running down my cheeks. I am such a fuck up. It has been what, two and a half days? My life has certainly changed. For better or for worse I don't know yet. I look up at Phil slightly shocked and he pulls his hand away quickly, his eyes scared and his cheeks red and splotchy. I sigh. I'm so sick of the way he looks at me. Like I'm a predator and that I am going to pounce on him any moment. I reach up and wipe the hair out of my eyes. Phil flinches slightly and I look down again guiltily.

“Do you hate me?” I ask. He hesitates.

“Dan, I-I, no I don't hate you. I told you last night and I'll tell you again. You are an amazing persona and don't ever doubt that.” I look up at him he is still looking down, but I am just so shocked. After everything I have ever done to him. He doesn't hate me.

I lift my hand up and pull his head up. His eyes meet mine and he shifts uncomfortably. “Dan?” Phil mutters eyes searching for something in mine. “Are you going to hurt me?” he breaks down. I let go of his head and he immediately curls up into a tight ball. He is shaking severely and I don't know what to do to stop it. He looks like he is in so much pain. His eyes are so bright they shine with a dark past and probably present but I already know he has a hard life. His school life is a nightmare.I don't know anything about his family, he has never once mentioned them, well when I think about it why should he of. Then I think about what Phil said in the car before he passed out. Who hurt him?

He groans and whimpers. He squeezes his eyes shut and he shakes faster and faster. I feel so helpless. He needs me and I don't know what to do. I sit there in shock. “He-he's gonna get me.” Phil says. My mind races. He? They guy who hurt Phil before? “Who Phil, who?” I ask him desperately. He screams loudly his eyes opening briefly, showing severe pain and a distant look. I suddenly understand what is happening. He is having a panic attack. I understand everything he is feeling, every emotion that is running through his mind. I have to do something.

I pick him up carefully and place him on the bad. I don't think he has realised that I have carried him over to the bed or that he is safe and that I am not going to hurt him. “Phil, listen to me, Phil, listen. I know what your going through. Ok? I know. I have been here so many times before. Just lying there not knowing how to calm down.” A scream leaves his lips and he continues shaking. My eyes widen but I know I have to keep going. “Look your safe ok? I won't hurt you. He-he can't hurt you here. I'll protect you. I know what your feeling. I understand. Every feeling, every painful memory is trying to push it's way into your head, they are trying to consume you. You have to fight it Phil. You have to fight it. Shh sh, I'm here, he can't hurt you.” Phil slowly starts to calm down, his eyes however remain closed. Tears still stream freely from his face and he finally acknowledges my presence.

“I can't do it. I can't go on. It's to much Dan. Make it stop.” Without warning another scream rips through the eerie silence. “P-Phil you-you have to listen to me. Ok? I'm here, no-one can hurt you.” He opens his eyes and looks up at me.

“Really?” He asks his voice fragile, he looks so vulnerable.

“Really.” I repeat. I am so captivated by Phil's pain filled eyes, that I don't notice that somehow I have manoeuvred so that Phil's head is resting on my lap and my hands are continuing to stroke his ivy hair.

“Phil, who hurt you?” I ask. I know I have no right to know but I can't help it. It is bugging me so much. Phil doesn't say anything but he melts into my touch. I am glad that he is comforted by the fact that I am here and looking after him. He obviously needs it. “I-I, I can't tell you.” Phil mumbles. His voice is raspy and surprisingly cold. I go to ask again but Phil cuts me off.

“I don't think I can do it any more Dan. I can't live like this. I can't live in fear always dreading whats going to happen next. I want to end it, I need to end it. But I can't that's always the problem though isn't it.” he laughs humorously, I can tell he is on the verge of tears. “ I can't just end it. I have to be there for my brother, the one person that actually needs me.” He is crying again now.

I try to absorb every thing he just said. “Phil, were are only young and I know you have had it tough but suicide is never an option. You can't give up. There is to much to live for. Places to go, people to meet. Life hasn't even begun, its far to early to end. You have to go on, as much as life puts you down you have to stand back up and keep going.” I look down into Phil's eyes, I feel like he is looking into my soul, looking for a piece of me that is lying, but I am sincere, I meant every word that I said.

Phil starts to shake again and I know that he is quickly becoming more irrational. He curls up tighter and tears flow from his eyes. He opens his eyes slowly, I know how hard it is to stop a panic attack and I know how much he is trying. He needs me. His eyes they're are so hurt. They tell a story of a boy living a life he doesn't deserve and I find myself pulled in further and further. Then I do something that we both don't expect. I look into those deep ocean eyes and inch forward connecting our lips. I feel him relax underneath me and I sigh in relief.

Phil starts to kiss back and I moan into the kiss. He pulls away. His eyes looking up at me in fear. He was scared of me and quite frankly so was I.