I don't know where to begin. I guess I could backtrack a little and start with the thoughts I used to have when I was a little younger. It might help explain how and why I'm feeling the way I am right now but truth be told I don't think I'll ever manage to fully explain my feelings.
I used to dream about the days he and I would be together, you know like those couples that are so close and so in love because they're best friends as well as partners? That's what I dreamt of, with him.
We started off as acquaintances, his neighbour and my best friend were the same person and introduced us in September 2010. We spoke here and there but he had a girlfriend at the time. She was beautiful, smart, and not to mention, older. I was jealous, of course, I'd only just met the gorgeous guy and I took a fancy to him only to learn he was spoken for. Nonetheless, I became his friend. We messaged few times a week and over the year the few messages turned into daily chats. We grew close and I enjoyed speaking to him so often about absolutely nothing. I learnt of his break up with his older woman once he went off to university in September 2012 (he is a couple of years older than me) and since he was far away now, those daily chats turned into daily Skype sessions.
Speaking to a single person almost everyday, without fail, is an amazing thing, you learn so much about them and things that you could never learn even if you saw them everyday. We were close, I wouldn't say best friends, but definitely close.
So the same year he went to university, I had to change schools and I ended up attending mine and his local college to complete my A Levels, the same college he had attended in fact. This prove to be an advantage as, every time he returned home from university, he'd pop by the school to see his teachers... And to see me. We would go to lunch together, to the park during my lunch hour and just hang out and it was nice. It was a break from the virtual world and it made us all the more close. Now you probably think they're going to end up together blah blah and yes it may seem so but the surreal part of all of this is I never imagine it would happen.
Now, he was an honest guy, never held back his thoughts or opinions and he had made it very clear to me that, although there wasn't anything stopping him, he would never go for me because I simply wasn't his type. And I agreed. Over the couple of years I got to know him, I had realised he was everything I didn't look for in a guy. However, through the year I must have spoken about him to my friends quite a lot because the summer of 2013, I went on holiday with my friends and they made me realise that I actually liked him. So I'm almost 3000 miles away from home, and I suddenly realise I like the boy who holds every characteristic I don't like. It was a shock, almost one I didn't want to believe but my friends made me otherwise. Once I got back from holiday, I spoke to him as if everything was normal. However, in a conversation with him one night, he told me he had made out with his ex-girlfriend at his cousin's wedding and I got extremely upset, and decided he should know how I feel. So the next day I messaged him asking if he could meet up and he was busy so I told him we'll speak another time, but his curiosity got the best of him and got angry that I wouldn't tell him what the issue was over text. And then my anger got the best of me and I texted him the 3 simple words and once realising what I had done, I hid my phone for 2 hours to avoid embarrassment. Once I had checked his messages, it turned out, obviously, that he didn't feel the same way and then we proceeded not to speak for a week. 7 days later, he messaged me and everything went back to normal. We were friends again and I got over my little crush.
The next year went by the same, it was my final year so I had to focus on my studies and getting into university and boys were not a distraction. Then summer of 2014, I went on holiday again and I let loose, I could go clubbing and get drunk and meet boys and be reckless the night. That summer was a life changing summer.
One night during that summer, I had attended his cousin's wedding reception as a guest. It was a great night, we ate, drank and danced and he proceeded to get absolutely wasted. As I was leaving, I went over to say bye to him, this is a moment I remember crystal clear.
He told me he loves me.
