Am I allowed to love you?

Hopelessly gay

There was something that had always been clear to Akaashi Keiji: Bokuto Koutarou wasn't just a friend. Of course, he tried his hard to never show it at all, this would only make things weird... Akaashi was known as the guy that could predict Bokuto's actions at any time, and it was hard for him to accept that he had no clue about Bokuto's reaction if someday he decided to open up about his sexuality.

And it hurt so much. No being able to confess it to the most important person in his life... it hurt a lot.

"It's your last chance, Akaashi..." Kenma said with a soft voice, startling the higher boy. Akaashi never expected that he would come to the "Last Bokuto Day", which was actually a very exaggerated name, since, yes, it was Bokuto's graduation, but he wouldn't be moving away for some more weeks. Akaashi noted that his answer was taking too long.

"You know that isn't actually 'Last Bokuto Day', right?", he said, inexpressive, and, quite late, decided to add: "and I don't know what are you talking about".

"Oh, you do", he said, but apparently this was the most that he could interact, because he got his switch, and started to ignore Akashi. After two seconds, it made sense, when Bokuto showed up, screaming Akaashi's name at full force. Kuroo was behind him, with a smirk, and Akaashi looked over Kenma, to check in his face if he had said something to the taller blocker, but obviously Kenma's face was as inexpressive as his, and before he could figure out what that meant, Bokuto wrapped his arms around him, completely knocking the air out of his lungs.

"Bokuto... san" Akaashi managed to whisper. And the bigger released him, his hands sliding on his back softly, almost as an apology. Bokuto's smile was wide open, and Akaashi thought for a moment that he never saw someone so bright.

"I'm done with school, Akaashi!" Bokuto yelled again, what made some parents look over him with angry expressions. Akaashi raised his hand, trying to reach to Bokuto's shoulder or chest, but then stopped, it was getting harder to touch the other boy, he was afraid what his face would express.

Akaashi was afraid that he wouldn't be able to contain himself anymore.

"Here, this is for you" Bokuto putted his tie on Akaashi's hand, that still was midair. Akaashi tried to ignore that normally that was done between couples or love interests and thanked with an almost imperceptible smile.

That day, when he got home, after having dinner with the other three boys and the other third years from the team and some of their friends, Akaashi was exhausted. He dropped his body on his bed, without even taking a shower. He was just so... so... overwhelmed.

Again, he didn't say anything.

He felt his heart racing, and pressed his face against the pillow before start screaming, even though he was alone at home as almost ever and nobody would be able to hear him. His eyes teared a little after he removed himself from the pillow, so he grabbed the collar of his shirt to dry it, in this moment, he felt Bokuto's scent, since his tie was there hanging on his neck, it was as if the other boy were just right there, in front of him, Akaashi's nose right against his neck.

With a disgusted grunt Akaashi closed his eyes really strong, feeling the heat took all his body. He released his shirt, and it fell back on his chest, but a big part of his belly still uncovered. And the heat started to get even more intense as Akaashi hands started to wander around there.

He felt embarrassed. Disgusted. He hated being gay... he hated being unable to admit that he was gay out loud. He hated having this feeling for his unaware best friend. He was ashamed of his actions. He hated being a teenager. He hated being so full of hormones.

And he hated that this time, like all the other times, he couldn't forbid his hand from opening his button, and slowly sliding his zipper. He hated himself so much. Specially at the end. At the end he always felt so disgusted, that sometimes he just dropped himself next to the toilet and put his dinner out.