I don't mean to, but I'm slowly pushing everyone I've ever loved out of my life. So much has happened and I'm so broken over it. My dad, he straight up told me that he hated me and that he wished I'd never been born, who does that?!? What dad tells his own daughter that he hates her?! My little brother told me that I was the worst thing that could possibly have happened to him. My eleven-year-old brother told me that I was the worst thing ever!!! He also said that everybody hates me and nobody wants to be around me. Why would he say that?! The one guy that over the past three years I decided to love doesn't love me back, and it's killing me. He says that he cares about me, and maybe he does, but it doesn't seem like it, and in fact half the time I think he hates me. The only other guy I loved killed himself in November, and it feels like it is all my fault that he is gone. I didn't realize I loved him till police were at my door telling me that he was gone. I get on everybody's nerves and don't listen to anybody. People tell me that they love me, and maybe I could learn to love them, but right now I only love one person, and I'm pretty sure he skipped school today just to avoid me. I never wanted to end up like this, all cold hearted and lonely. I am totally alone in this world. I have to fight my own battles and sometimes I need help, and sometimes life knocks me on my knees and tries to kill me. All I ever wanted is to feel loved, but in my attempt to feel loved I have pushed away all the people that could have loved me. I just wanted him to know how much I needed him, but now I think I pushed him away enough that he really couldn't love me even if he tried. I tried to kill myself on more than one occasion because I feel so unloved and alone all the time. People ask me if I am okay, and I want to scream and tell them that I'm not okay, that I'm so alone and unloved that I feel like I am empty, but it's almost like "I'm okay" is the answer I have to give. I can't tell people how I really feel, and when I do they end up hating me or leaving me for someone else. Every time. I know that I won't be able to take much more of this shit, and high school doesn't help, not one bit. Stupid people with their stupid rumors fuck up my life more than it already was. I hate this shit, and all I want anymore is death, death seems like the only comfort life has to offer anymore. Why do people think that they are so much better than others? It sickens me. But who really cares about me? I'm just the nobody you pass in the hallway everyday, I'm just the one that everybody points and laughs at, I'm just the one who is always so quiet because I’m afraid to speak up, an I'm only they one who people assume is okay because I'm always "smiling", but I’m not okay, I am anything but okay, I need help, I need somebody, anybody. Who really cares about the girl in the corner of the room, who really cares about the girl who seems like she is friends with everybody but is really friends with no one, who really cares about the girl that nobody love, who really gives a shit about her?!? Who cares that for most of her life she has wanted to die?! Who cares that she doesn’t feel like she is loved at all? Who cares if she does die?! Who cares? For most of my life I have been the quiet one, the one who does her work, the smart silent one, the one with all the “friends”, and the one with a big “smile” on her face. I have always been so quiet and small, I’m the last person that people would expect to pick a fight, smoke, do drugs, or steal…. And maybe they are a little right, I mean, I have never done drugs….. I’m the person people go to when they need advice or they need a laugh or a friend, but I’m the one that nobody likes to give advice or be a friend to. So why do they expect me to like them at all? I just don’t understand why I feel the need to die when other people have it worse than me… I just don’t get it. Why should I feel sorry for myself? I’m the last person in a room that people want to talk to, if I were the last girl on earth mankind would die off because nobody would want to even look at me. I hate myself for saying this but I am probably the worst person you will ever meet, with the exception of that boy that killed his mother and sister because he saw the movie “Halloween.” I am possibly the most self-absorbed Bitch you could ever meet, so why should he care about me? Why would he never be able to hate me? Why would he tell me he loves me? Why would he? Why would he love me? Why? Why would he tell me that he still loves me if he doesn’t? Who really cares about the girl who’s dad hates her, who’s brother thinks that she is the worst thing in the world, who cuts her wrist everyday because she feels like she is a monster?! WHO REALLY CARES?! Who really cares about me? Who cares about the scars up and down my arms, who cares about my dad who hates me, who cares about the brother who wishes I was dead, who cares? And why would they care about me? I’m just the girl in the corner that everyone knows but nobody loves.
