Lately, I have desperately tried to find peace in writing things out, but the more that pours onto paper the more I realize what has been bottled in. The things that have never come out of my mouth. This person that no one is aware of. I am so afraid of her, and she is so scared by herself. I want to run to you. I want to tell you "no strings attached," and then push you off a tightrope. I want to fall with you. I know I am due to spiral, and I know it has already begun. But, there's no easy way to explain how stuck I truly am. I've been given a diagnosis. I thought I wanted to know, but now I am beyond scared of the future. And I am so regretful of the past. Borderline between the two, and all I want is to be running back. I just wonder if there's solace to be found crying in your arms again, or if you'd even stand to let me have that chance. I finally have an explanation, but an explanation is not an excuse. And there is no way to undo the mountains of ties I cut loose. There's no one left to run to, and I have no where else to stay. I've trapped myself in my childhood room. I keep telling myself I just have to make it through today, but that's every single day. I dug my own grave and shunned everyone out, and now I can't come back to solid ground. I hope when they find me, it's the dogs that dig me up. I don't think I can stand to see another face of someone I left behind. I say all of this, and I still will beg god to send you here. Because even after all of it, in some twisted way, I still believe you know me best and I don't want to disappear.
