I guess it all started in 4th period.. One of the first days of school I noticed him. I've know him since the second grade but now I wasn't sure how I felt about him. He would always answer questions in science he was smart. I thought to myself for a while and realized I had developed feelings. No this couldn't happen.. A few months later and I had found his instagram and accidentally followed it "oh well.. to late now" a few minutes later as I was lying in my bed trying to fall asleep my phone lit up my whole room it was an instagram notification.. He had followed me back. A couple days later and I had posted something dumb on my story and he replied to it so we started to talk a bit about the subject. I noticed that he had started to look at me a bit more in class so I started putting in more effort on what I wore and my hair and makeup. How could I let someone do this to me.. I can't even feel pretty without showing skin or wearing makeup now. I hate this. I hate everything about my stupid self. Nothing about me is good enough. All these thoughts I keep inside and let myself be the "therapist friend" to everyone else. Honestly it's kind of funny to me that no one wants to talk until they have something to rant about.
I think i'm in love with someone who would never love me back.. he was sending mixed signals for a while.. but now he's with a 7th grader.. a fucking 7th grader. The blade gets deeper every time. The pills get worse.. and more handfuls. I have tried overdosing so many times that now I can even swallow the pills without anything to drink. I'm ashamed. I've been skipping breakfast and dinner lately only eating lunch at school so my friends don't worry. I want help I really do I just don't want people to worry about me. I guess that might be part of the reason I'm writing this.. it's not like someone would waste time reading it anyways.
Every time I see them walking together at school I am reminded of how much I am not. If that even makes sense to you.. it's taking every fucking inch of me to not ball my eyes out in the middle of everyone at lunch.. I fucking hate going to the school I go to because I dread seeing him everyday. I feel so guilty liking someone who has a partner.. it just doesn't sit right with me and I know if I was with someone and someone liked them I would be so.. mad. I fucking hate myself. My friends always make suicide jokes and I just kid of laugh them off but inside it hurts. I'm not going to be selfish and tell them to stop though because I know it's how some people cope.
I lost my cat a few months ago because my neighbor ran it over. I miss him so fucking much.. I think I might be psychotic I carved his name into my thigh a few weeks ago.. it's not noticeable unless you are trying to mind it though.. for a few weeks it was visible so I wasn't changing for P.E. my teacher got kind of annoyed.. I feel bad about that. I also lost my grandma and her funeral in this saturday.. I fucking miss her. Thanksgiving wasn't the same without her.. and to make things worse was the last thing I said to her was "goodnight" FUCK FUCK FUCK. why.. I mean I didn't know it wa dure last thing I would say but fucking damnit.. my family wants me to give a speech at her funeral but i'm kinda of speechless.. i'm still processing her death and I don't know what to do. FUCK. I miss her and my cat.. I hope they get along together in heaven..
- I promise i'll be there with you soon.
love, payton.
