My chapter ended,but not yours.

Why does nobody see it?!

Before reading this,big Trigger warning,if you're suffering from an eating disorder,self harm,suicide thoughts,mental illness and your not fully recovered please don't read it!I don't want that you relapse!Im proud of how far you get and I don't wanna destroy it!<3

It's 8 a.m.My clock is ringing.
"I don't wanna seem the way I do,but I'm confident when Im with you" ,gross,hearing this song literally every morning fucks me up.I admit I really love the song "cloud 9" from beach bunny but this gets me on my nerves.Well whatever.I started getting up and look into my broken mirror and thought "shit",I accidentally beat into my mirror last night in an anger behavior.I made my bed but apparently I saw that my bedsheet has a red spot.I wondered myself because im not on my period yet and I stared into my broken mirror again,my view get to my sleeves,"fuck",I did it again,my mom is gonna kill me.I looked into my mirror again,I had tears in my eyes,"I look fat,im to chubby,Im not allowed to be happy,I can't anymore,why does nobody sees that im crying for help?!"my thought overcome me,but I heard footsteps.
I ran into our bathroom,my mum knocked at the door but I screamed "I'm in the shower,don't come in!" "Okey,but don't take to long" was her answer.I had decided myself that it's better if I really go showering,I need to wash my blood from my sleeves.
I showered,it feels good to feel the pain from my new cuts on my wrists.I hurts but this pain made me feel alive.I sang my favorite song (cloud 9) as always.After this I got dressed up for school.I decided to wear flared pants and a dark red sweater,"it looks okey", I thought.I looked up my phone and watched some TikTok.I read messages and looked at our school homepage if we have a substitution.
My mum called me to eat breakfast with them so I ran into the kitchen and sat down at our table.On my plate were a toast with jam,"I'm fat,I can't eat" my thoughts getting louder every meal...I ate the toast but I felt this guilt,I went into our bathroom and threw it up,afterwards I spray deodorant so that my mom don't smell the vomit.I packed my schoolbag,and cycled to school.On my way I heard my favorite song and my whole playlist.First i met my friends,they seemed a little bit upset because I was too late.Alex said "you'll get a detention,I'm sure!",this was normal for me,I always get one detention per week,"the teachers and tutors are hating me"was my thought.So I went to the office from the consuleur and got my detention.After the break I got my English exam back,98% " Why only 98%? Why not 100? I learned to hard,WHY WHY WHY?!!".I break down in tears,"I can't handle all this,why I'm not good enough"My whole class laugh about me they are calling me "crybaby" or "dumbass" or "slut".Alex came to me and asked "Why are you crying,you got an A?!",i didn't answer her but she didn't seemed that she really cares so I ignore her,after 5 minutes she let me alone and laugh at me aswell.I never felt more uncomfortable and misunderstood at the same time.
The school ended,"finally" I thought.I get on my bike and started cycling,after 20 meters I was almost run over from a car.I look at the driver and saw a young lady,she looked scared at me,she get out of her car and asked me if I was okey,I said yes and she said sorry,I told her it's okey and that I got used to it.We both said sorry one last time and then she keeps driving away,I stood there and watched her car slowly get smaller and smaller.I cycled home and it was 7p.m so "I just need to study somehow,I hope I can control my thought now",I got a message from Alex,she seemed worried,I told her everything's fine."This evening ,I was gonna do it.I hate everything so much,I want it to stop and to end I wanna be free" this thought replaced everything in my head and I can't deal with it anymore.Instead of studying I wrote the letter.