PAIN AND PLEASURE | KIM TAEHYUNG FF

1.The hidden pain

"Child, don't go there! Your mamma is coming." You stood at the entrance of the nursery, guiding the little ones as they waited for their parents. It was the end of the school day, and the children were slowly being reunited with their families, one by one.

Finally, when the last child had left, you sighed, gathering your things. The quietness of the now-empty classroom filled you with a strange sense of relief, and a tinge of sadness. Just as you were about to leave, a familiar voice called out to you.

"Hey, Aera, let’s grab some coffee together," Rose suggested with her usual cheerful smile. She taught the senior classes at the school and was one of the few people you could call a friend. Despite your differences, you both shared a bond that had grown stronger over time.

"Okay, let’s go," you replied softly.

"You’re the best, Aera!" Rose beamed, and you responded with a faint smile, though your heart felt heavy.

You both reached the café and found a small corner table, sitting across from each other. The aroma of coffee and the gentle hum of chatter filled the space, but your mind felt distant.

“So,” Rose began, breaking the silence, “are you going home for Christmas this year?”

The question caught you off guard, making you flinch slightly. “No,” you replied, keeping your voice steady, though a pang of pain stabbed at your chest.

“Why not? Didn’t you go home last year in October? Don’t you miss your family?” she pressed gently.

Family. The word lingered in your mind, heavy and suffocating. Of course, you missed them, missed them so much it hurt, but the reality was far more complicated. You swallowed hard, your thoughts spiraling. I miss them every day, but I can’t go back. I’m a burden to them... maybe more than a burden. Sometimes, I wonder why I’m still alive. It’d be better to just disappear. But I can’t even do that. Even in death, I’d cause them more pain.

Your silence stretched a little too long, so you forced yourself to answer, your voice tight. “They don’t live in Korea, and with just three days off, it’s impossible to visit and return.”

Rose tilted her head, a flicker of concern crossing her face. “But can’t you apply for extra leave?”

You shook your head quickly, wanting to end the conversation before it unraveled further. “You know I’ve already taken a lot of leave this year for health reasons.”

“Oh… right. I’m sorry, Aera. I didn’t mean to pry. You know me, I get curious sometimes,” she said, sounding genuinely apologetic.

“It’s fine, Rose. Really.” You gave her a reassuring smile, but it didn’t quite reach your eyes.

The two of you finished your coffee in relative silence before stepping out into the crisp evening air.

“Okay then, see you tomorrow, Aera!” Rose waved goodbye, her warmth lingering even as she disappeared into the crowd.

You started walking toward your apartment, if you could even call it that. It was nothing more than a small room with a kitchen and a cramped bathroom. The cold wind bit at your skin as you trudged along the dimly lit street.

Your steps were slow, deliberate. You wanted to prolong the walk, to delay reaching the place you called home. A lump formed in your throat as you thought about what awaited you there. Your heartbeat quickened, and a shiver ran down your spine.

Not again. Please, not again.

You stopped for a moment, gripping the strap of your bag tightly, trying to steady your trembling hands. A single tear escaped, sliding down your cheek.

“You deserve this, Y/N” you whispered to yourself, your voice breaking. “You deserve every ounce of pain. It’s all your fault.”

Deep down, you knew no one deserved this kind of suffering, but you couldn’t shake the guilt that had haunted you for the past four years. The memories of that day, the day everything changed, played on a loop in your mind.

Your name, your identity, your entire life had been stripped away. Now, you were just a shadow of who you used to be. A lifeless shell, enduring a torment you couldn’t escape.

As you continued walking, the tears came faster, but you wiped them away before anyone could see.

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