[曦澄 | XiCheng]: The Fear Of Falling In Love [~PART 1~]

[158.] Trials. [continued] [TW]

NOTE:

Trigger Warning

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Jiang Cheng could feel the cool breeze on his cheeks. Lan Huan was whispering something in his ear, but he wasn't listening. They were sitting very close to the water, on a boulder that was so massive and sticking out high that the whole area could be seen, laid out as if on the palm of his hand.

Those were familiar places, familiar sights, but now he was observing a desert and his heart was in mourning. So many houses  –  burnt to the ground. The palace  –  in ruins. Groves and gardens  –  drenched in ashes and wrecked wood... His lungs were contracting in his chest and breathing was an effort now, just like back then  -  back in their bedroom, when the smoke was suffocating them. 

The same smoke, only invisible now, was choking him, not letting him breathe.

He closed his eyes. Zewu-Jun's voice was getting desperate, hysterical; he could feel him shiver with anguish, his warm palm on his belly, speaking words in a language he did not understand. Relaxed in his husband's arms, in that moment he absolutely believed that he would never be able to stand up again.

He knew what was pressing down on him; he had felt it all before. Grief. 

He had thought he would be strong enough to go through this. He had believed that, now that he had his loved one by his side, he was stronger, more resilient, braver. Him? The one who was so emotional and unstable? 

He laughed bitterly.

Lan Xichen was shaking him, yelling at him with bloodshot eyes, his face was distorted by pain, and he realized slowly that he had to do something to calm him down before something bad happened. 

He gathered all his strength and whispered the most important words, exhaling sharply:

- Hold me... Hold us... I love you... We love you...

- WANYIN!!! 

Zewu-Jun pressed him hard in his embrace, hearing him moan a little with some pain or another, but he didn't care. Gods, why did it feel like his loved one was dying? Why did it feel like they were losing another child? Why the Hell did he bring him here, to this place of trauma and misery? 

He was sobbing terribly, rocking Jiang Cheng in his arms, unable to speak, having lost all his words.

- No... No...

Jiang Cheng was barely whispering in his warm robes. His heart was pounding so hard that his teeth were clattering. His brain slowly tuned back to the world, and Zewu-Jun's sobs were breaking something inside him to painful sharp pieces that were cutting deeper than anything. He called upon all his strength and energy to say:

- No... Lan Huan... No... You cannot be sad... Please, don't be sad... You are my happiness. You put an end to my loneliness. You are my love. You teach me patience. I want to always see your gentle smile, Zewu-Jun.

He blinked slowly and stirred inside the strong arms that were locking him, defending him against the wrongs and evils of the world, protecting him from the wind and the death.

- Wanyin... Please... I cannot lose you, Wanyin...

- No... No... No, never. Never. I need you. I always need you, Huan... I love you... I love you as much as this ridiculous body allows me... But I know my soul loves you perfectly. Yes, oh yes.

- Oh, husband!!!

There was so much pang and despair in Lan Xichen's voice that Jiang Wanyin clenched his teeth and hissed:

- Help me. Help me put this behind me. Help me stand. After today, we go home. And we stay home. Together.

He reached up with difficulty, as Zewu-Jun was still squeezing him inside his embrace, and was now wiping his loved one's tears away  –  he understood that he had to be strong for him today.

A part of his heart had burnt to ashes too, but he had to let go of those ashes, of this past, spit it out. Just like his beloved had found peace, and had moved on. There was no other way.

- Help me up!

There was so much force and authority in Jiang Cheng's voice when he gave the command that Lan Xichen flinched. He obeyed, shocked, and they stood on the banks, hugging each other, supporting each other.

- Take me back. Let's get this over with.

Jiang Cheng's voice was strong and clear, and Zewu-Jun looked at him in fear almost. He knew that something had died in his husband just now, and perhaps something new was born; something dark. 

He nodded.

- Are you alright, A-Cheng?  –  he asked, worried and scared.

Jiang Cheng leaned in his embrace and purred:

- I will soon be. When you take me to the Hánshì,  beloved. When you show me where all those purple ribbons are supposed to go.

Lan Huan blushed deeply, gaping. Was this a mood swing? Was this catharsis? Or have misery and horror finally broken his husband?