Random...'

Shuffling cards

I am too broken to function

I hate the way my sister lower her eyes every time I tried to shut her off.  I hate the way my mother's eyes follow my path as I walked back to my room, seemingly trying to figure out what is going on with me. I hate the way my father go into my room at 3 AM just to check if I were already asleep. 

I hate the way they care for me every time I isolate myself, not talking to anybody. Not even doing a thing. 

Lifting a finger seems to take a lot of energy, draining me. I haven't had a proper meal, nor proper bath. Not single hygiene is cared for. I can't seem to swallow my food inside my mouth. Every time I do, my stomach feels sick. It wouldn't accept the food I badly need, no matter how hungry I am. Taking a bath turned to be a big thing to do. It's exhausting to think about it, even more excruciating to do it. 

I hate it. I hate the way I am. 

Messy. Unhygienic. A lifeless soul written in my eyes. 

You know what part I hate the most? 

It's the part that I don't even understand myself.

It's the part that I can't explain what is going on with me.

It's the part that they cared too much and I still chose to shut them off.

They cared too much, I already hurt them.

That's why I isolate myself. Caring for me would hurt them. Getting too close to me would wound them. Their eyes says it all. But, I can't take any more guilt, so its better to shut them off.

Shuffling the cards in my hands, I calm myself with the sound of falling decks.