Elora Van Eck | Kaz Brekker

NINE | DESPERATION

***

k a z

WHEN ALL PLANS got swept away by the wave of the unexpected, so suddenly that any glimpse of patience drowned in it, it feels impossible to find the lost optimism. Still, a lowered voice is required. Patience and cunningness. Courage and determination. Though every muscle covered by skin and flesh starts trembling heavily as soon the ship rams the invisible iceberg, fighting to swim above the surface.

Every single time it is a world collapsing, another flame of hope dying at the hands of the icy blue. A familiar voice tears the eardrums, forcing the owner to forge a new plan, as complicated and cumbersome as it may be. Because giving up had never been an option. Giving up is for cowards.

Tall castles made of documents seeded the entirety of Kaz's office. And to the detriment of anyone who might enter the room, a despondent mood pelted down – that rose from the useless papers into the air and seemed to rob it of all oxygen.

For hours he had studied every scrap of paper for the tiniest clue. With Jesper looking for information about the man Kaz had noticed through suspicious deals with Jan Van Eck, even he did not know what to do but dig for more bullet points. Should Jesper return with insufficient information, with insignificant life events of an innocent man, Kaz would face a dead end. He had to make sure he would find something. Anything.

But nothing.

His leg bobbed up and down in a way that sparked nervousness, which was an unusual sight. Not often did Kaz show signs of desperation, not even when he was by himself. But he did now. His mind's incertitude of Elora's well-being – that one person he had once promised security, brought even Kaz's petrified thought heart to ache as it presented its function. And his mind began to wander.

Worry racked the boy's head, but he could not allow himself to be spotted. He did not dare get Elora into more serious trouble, danger even. Kaz had no clue what was going on in the Van Eck house, what the man who had caught him and his daughter in a break-in had planned. The unsuspecting boy was not aware of the immoral thoughts that inhabited Jan Van Eck's evil mind.

With quick steps, but with the utmost caution, he ran to the house in which he knew Elora to live. His right fist was tightly clenched, knuckles already turning white. He was clutching a piece of paper as if it had his life written on it.

When he arrived, he climbed up to Elora's window. It was dark, but he could still make out the outlines of the sleeping girl. For a few moments, he just looked at her through the window, apologetically. He hoped Elora had not suffered too many consequences because of him.

A gentle push against the cold glass and it fell open. She had not locked it. A gentle smile found its way onto Kaz's cheeks. His friend was not as obedient as everyone thought and expected, after all.

He stretched only one arm into the room. His fist loosened its deadly grip, and he placed the piece of paper on the windowsill. "I will keep you safe. I promise, Elora. ", it read.

One last look at the seemingly uninjured girl and he carefully closed the window and left her to break.

He wished he could just forget everything that had occurred in the past – forget her. But he had broken his promise and every cell in his body was crying out for redress. He would never forgive himself if anything happened to Elora. He had promised her so many years ago. He had promised to keep her safe – the one person who had never shown fear towards him, who had never judged him. His first friend.

Nostalgia barricaded the entrance to the future. Kaz realized how different he could have acted in many situations, and this regret held him in the past with its iron claws. Changing the course of history sadly was no option. And every day since he understood how messed up his life was, he was plagued by thoughts, his nights haunted. Hope that everything will be forgotten at some point never entirely died, but even if he would be forgiven for all wrongdoings, they would never fade from his own memory. Kaz would blame himself all his life. And it would eat him alive.