Day Seven

Log

September 4th, 1985

I'm feeling strange lately. I think about stuff that didn't even bother me before: What my life is gonna be? Who am I? How many days I have left to live?

I don't know why I have these thoughts. I believe my life it's just too boring. The only thing I do is working at the office, eat my dinner in front of the TV and go to sleep, to repeat it all over again tomorrow. Not that I feel suicidal or anything; I never been that kind of guy. Sometimes I think about death and I feel sudden anxiety, and I can't sleep anymore. Just imagine that, eventually, everything reaches an end makes me think. Nobody who remember me; nothing to feel proud of, just my routine, my job. At the same time, I don't feel like I can complain much; I have a warm bed, a roof and four walls that give me the sensation of protection. But maybe is not more than that, a sensation. Like the guy who sleeps with a gun under his pillow, just in case. And, of course, I have Lionel, who will remember me with a smile, I hope. So, yeah, things could be worse.

Or probably I'm just getting old. But don't worry, I won't start dressing like a youngster and listen to rap music, because I hate rap.

September 12th, 1985

Hi. It's me again.

Today my boss told me I was a good employee. I don't know how to feel about it. I mean, it is supposed to be a good thing, right? Even coming from the bastard that makes me work ten hours, plus some extra hours at night. But, hey, who is complaining? I just wonder if he even knows my name...

September 14th, 1985

I couldn't sleep last night. Even as tired as I was. I just lied in bed, eyes close, thinking in nothing special, when one though came to me: "You won't sleep tonight". It was like a mother-fucking curse. I stayed in bed, looking at my dirty ceiling till' 4 A.M.. I stood from bed and made myself a coffee. I consider reading some stuff, you know, just to kill some time, but I couldn't; I was so tired.

I heard some noise outside so I looked out the window.

Somebody was having a party on the building next to mine. They weren't making too much noise or anything, but they were laughing and made me wonder what was so goddamn funny. So I was standing there, trying to pick a glance of it, when I saw this dark silhouette moving behind the yellowish curtains, and this blonde woman came out. She was smoking, and maybe for the distant or because was still dark, it took me a moment to notice she was naked. Her long hair was dancing in the wind, as she was smoking, showing her big breaths to the world. At some point, she noticed me. Yeah, she saw a brotha, near his forties, staring right at het boobs! Or maybe not, since my apartment was dark, but I swear she was staring too, like when you kind of notice something but you keep looking just to be sure. I felt the urges of hiding, but, just in case she actually didn't see me at all, I didn't move. After what may have been a full minute, she smiled, threw the cigarette and went back to her party.

After that, I just sat on my bed. Wow, that was some celebration she was having there. I would love to be in one of those porn parties too.

I drank two coffee cups, got a shower and made myself ready for work.That's all I wanted to write about today, while the tasty details are still fresh. Okay, I better start going. It's almost seven!

;)

September 18th, 1985

I don't write in a looooong time. Not that I have much to say, anyways. Yesterday, I called my mom. She still lives in her little house in Pennsylvania, the house where Malcon and I grow up, and she said she misses me a lot. I'm glad she's okay, so I promised her I will go to see her, sometime in the near future.

Oh, now I remember something weird:

A couple nights ago, I had this dream. I was in my office's building, and a blackout occurred. I used my pocket light to find my way out, but it was useless. I went to the hallway and down stairs, just to find the stairs blocked. So I kept looking on the others floors, but the elevator didn't respond. Tired, I opened a window and crawled outside, but when I looked up, there was no city. Not even the sky, just an infinite dark void, like in the middle of space. It was cold, and I got scared. I tried to get back, but I felt somebody pushing me. So I fell into the abyss, and then I woke up in my actual office! I was sleeping over the keyboard. Thank God my boss was out.

Yeah, I was really tired (and boring), so I took a coffee from the machine and got the hell out. What a dream, eh?

September 24th, 1985

Hello again.

No much happened since the last time I wrote here.

I don't feel depressed anymore, I think. I was trying to do some work out, you know? Running back home some nights, cooking some food and that kind of stuff. It all started magically, after the night I could sleep, without thinking too much about negative shit. Well, to be honest, I'm trying to be more positive. And yes, I'm reading self help books, and I know what you gonna say, but they are cheaper than a therapist. That and the fact that I'm not a big fan of telling my life to some stranger, and paying for it. I mean, I do not feel crazy enough.

Last night, I finished early so I took a long walk through the city. Now, Midtown West at night is not a good place to being fucking around like an idiot, but again, I'm just trying to think more positive. Things will go out of my hands sometimes, so I need to take it. Yes, I took that from a book, but is true. Now, if the thing supposed to be out of my hands is a junkie with a knife, trying to take my wallet and my watch, is time to run or become a dead nigga.

Anyway, nothing like that happened. The city was quiet and dark, but it had its beauty. Going up stairs back to my place, I saw a couple making out on the street. I recognize the woman; she was the blondy from my last entry. The guy she was with was really tall. The kind of guy you usually see driving a motorcycle fast, wearing a leather jacket. They kissed and he grabbed her ass.

Okay, that's all the fun for this week. Good night.