Trojan Horse

Chapter 1

You know I'm not typically one to get my feelings hurt, and so when Chris will say something about how I'm a prude because I am not ready to have sex with him I tend to take it with a grain of salt. Normally his remarks can be blamed on alcohol and the fact that he drinks beer like its water. However tonight, he had not had anything to drink, and I could tell that when he said that he'd love me if I let him fuck me, he was trying to hurt me, and it worked.

So now I'm sitting in my bed now curled up with my fuzzy blanket and comfort teddy bear and eating my body weight in ice cream. I am still trying to rationalize the events of earlier and think of how the hell the night ended this way.

Chris and I got together almost 2 years ago, I discovered him cheating on me with his best friend and he apologized profusely and swore it meant nothing. I didn't forgive him for the longest time, but eventually gave him another chance because I love him. This was almost 2 months ago now, and since then he's definitely been trying to make up for it. He's been kinder and has even been trying more. That is until last night.

We were at John's house for a small party with our friends which included: John of course, Jess (John's recent girlfriend), Emily (John's sister), Roman (John's best friend), Brad (Emily's best friend), Quinn (my best friend), Chris, and myself. So the 8 of us were hanging out in John's living room just talking while some of us drank, and others sipped our sodas. I personally don't drink because it tastes horrible, and Chris wasn't drinking either, probably because I was around.

Anyways, we're all just sitting around talking when Chris asked John and Roman to come with him to get a drink. I watched them walk out of the room and I moved to sit by Quinn and we started gossiping about drama we'd heard around town and about college and what we were thinking about majoring in. I interrupted our conversation and got up to use the restroom. I walked to the bathroom, went pee and then washed my hands while looking in the mirror and noticed that my eyeliner had smudged a little bit, so I tried my best to clean it up and thank God it worked. I turned off the light and was walking back to the living room when I heard Chris talking and then heard him say my name.

So the way the house is laid out is there's a long hallway and at the end of it is the bathroom and then there's an opening in the hall which is the living room and past that is the foyer and front door. To the left there's a second hallway that leads to the kitchen however the walls are thin so you can pretty easily hear through them.

When I heard my name I walked a little slower to see if I can hear the rest of the conversation. I walk quietly and then put my ear closer to the wall.

I wish I would've kept walking, I wish I would've minded my business because what I heard next would ruin that night for me.

"Dude, you're a grown ass man why the fuck are you asking us to come with you?", said John to Chris.

"I have to tell y'all something, chill the fuck out.", he responds.

"Well?", says Roman.

"So you know how I got caught making out with Elle a while back? Well she texted me asking to hang out!"

"What?", Roman questioned.

"For real?! Dude shes so hot! What the fuck, are you gonna hang with her?", John asked him quizzically.

"Bruh duh. I can't get caught this time though. Im finally out of the doghouse with y/n", replies Chris.

"If you don't want y/n then dump her. You don't need both.", Said Roman.

"I know, but I want both. Y/n's so fine and she's in love with me so she'll let me hit whenever. Easy Fuck", he explained to them.

That's all I could handle, I walked back into the living room and grabbed Quinn and we went outside to sit out at the picnic table. I told her everything I heard and started crying. It hit me that he doesn't even love me and he just doing it because he thinks that he'll get laid. I don't think its possible to even explain how bad my heart was hurting right now.

"Fuck him, he's a douchebag. You deserve better and you know he isn't worth shit.", Quinn says with a disgusted look on her face.

"I know... but I do love him. And I don't want better, I just want him to be better or at last want to be better.", I say through sobs.

"Do you want to leave?"

I really want to confront him, but I am not in the right frame of mind to even see him right now.

"Yeah, do you mind taking me home since I came with Chris? You can stay the night." I say with a weak smile.

She says yes of course. And we leave. We didn't say anything to anyone. We just went back into the house, through the hallway and out the front door.

We get in the car and start making our way back to my house when I receive a text from Chris, 'Hey, where are you?'.

I showed Quinn, "Are you going to respond? He knows where you live."

She's right. He does, and if I don't respond he'll come looking for me like a "good boyfriend".

I respond as minimally as possible, ' Felt sick, Quinn took me home.'

I sighed hoping he would leave it alone. And just my luck he doesn't.

'What happened? Are u ok?'

No, no I am not fucking okay. 'Yeah just got a headache.'

'Okay feel better babe'

I don't bother responding to the last text. I just sigh and focus on the road, counting the blocks until we get to my house.

10 minutes later we get there and she parks in front of the house. We walk inside and go straight to my room. We sit on the bed in silence watching the tv. She asked if I was okay and I said I was fine. But I don't feel fine. The guy I'm in love with not only doesn't love me but is also using me. We haven't even had sex, which is a small part of why what he said pissed me off. Sure, we've done "stuff", but we haven't had sex.

I excuse myself to the bathroom and turn on the water to the shower. I get into the shower and hot tears begin burning my eyes as I quietly cry. I turn the water on in the shower as hot as it will go to distract myself from my aching chest and knotting stomach. The burn from the boiling water making the burn in my eyes feel less excruciating.

I must've been in the shower for a while since when I go back into bedroom, she's already asleep. Not wanting to wake her up, I turn off the TV and lights, grab a blanket and my laptop and head downstairs to the living room.

I love her but right now I just wanted to be alone so I could process everything. I went onto my laptop and begin to write my thoughts in my journal. I write down what happened, how it made me feel, and when I began to attempt to think of a solution, I was stumped.

I could break up with him. Or I could make him explain himself. Or I could just kick his ass. Or I could get back at him. Or I could dye my hair, move to another country, change my name, and start over. The last one seeming like the best option at this point.

I can feel my eyes getting heavy so I save my entry and turn off the computer waiting for sleep to take me away.