rant/vent book

1.

I just want to ask.

Is killing ourselves agonizing?

Will suicide make people we love sad?

Will we disappoint our loved ones?

If I die would anyone care?

If I die would anyone cry?

Will cutting ourselves make us feel better?

Would people notice that I'm not okay?

Will they notice I'm tortured in this world?

And...

Would they even care about us and how tortured we are?

How depressed we are?

How much anxiety we have been through?

Those are all I could ask inside of my head.

I think I'll never get the answer.

I'm now still having my anxiety...

Sitting on my bed writing this.

As I remember all the bad things inside of my head.

My dad always scold me if I cry, scream, or be afraid.

What's wrong?

People have feelings too.

My dad told me to lack my emotions.

Why the fuck?

My mom always talk about trash.

Talk about useless things that agonize me.

She used her words for nothing.

Why the fuck?

School.

The Earth's hell.

All they do to the other students and me is study, study, study...

Nothing fun but study.

And demands me to do tiring school activities.

They demand me to do things I couldn't do.

I tried talking about this to my mom.

But her answer is just all,

"If you work harder you will get better."

Fuck off your words.

I've worked hard.

I tried.

But I just couldn't.

I'm the kid who couldn't do things that other kids my age could do.

I can't tell the time properly.

I know.

The fuck is wrong with me?!

My dad also scolds me and always use the same sentences,

"You're a 12 year old, why couldn't you do things that are easy to kids your age?!"

"Why can't you be like the others?!"

"Work harder!"

"You're a 7th grader! You should be more hard working and mature!"

"You must be better in basic math!"

"What kind of kid are you, who couldn't do basic math?!"

Those words hurt me.

A lot.

My new friends...

They treat me like I'm an empty space.

They ignored me, but gladly they sometimes talk to me.

My parents.

Who pushes me and always force me to do things.

Fuck.

Fuck everyone,

Who doesn't even give a fuck about me.

It hurt.

It fucking hurts.

I'm the world's disappointment.

I was born just to give people more weight on their shoulders.

I'm confused and kept asking internally,

How will I be gone if I'm afraid of dying?

I'm tired of living.

But afraid of dying.

What should I do?

I don't want to live,

But I don't want to die either.

So I have no other choice than keep existing to prevent hurting people's feelings because I'm dead.

Hey.

I said I'm fine.

But I never say it didn't hurt.

My current favorite song is miss wanna die.

Why?

It suits me best.

I like the line,

"I wanna die, wanna die, but don't really wanna die, if I die you would cry, and I don't know why."

That suits me.

I don't know why,

People still wanting me to be alive,

When they're actually torturing me.