Bitter Sweet |Harry Styles|

confessions

This chapter of my book Euphoria is a teaser of what happens a little later that I just really felt like putting out early because nobody really follows the book any way.

Feel free to share your thoughts and let me know if you would want to see what leads us up to this point.

              Check my playlist out on Tik Tok for any songs that would match this chapter.

Warning; this contains very disturbing talks of child abuse, racism rape and violence, if you have experienced such and you are struggling to talk about it send me a dm. I'm working on an interactive forum for things of this sort onn Instagram which I would let you know about soon. If however a reminder would be toxic or harmful for you please do not read this.

"You are just another come and go, Harry"

I tell him, tossing the bag of ice he placed on my thighs back on the table, I look at him through the mirror, I could see his face melt, I could see pain, disappointment and anger in his eyes all at once but I needed to finally be honest with him.

"Trust me, this is your phase" I continue, feeling my eyes burn and hot tears wet my cheeks. "You are the one who's gonna want to leave as soon as you know what I'm truly like so fucking stop acting like you could be okay with anything" I am nearly screaming while Harry watches me calmly from the side of the room, leaned against the wall.

He has to hear this, he has to know my shit so he'd go ahead and leave immediately, I have no business wasting anybody's time.

"Try me then" he finally says and the roughness and anger in his voice makes me want to squirm. I don't want to fight with him, I don't want him to go but we both know the earlier he does the better, I couldn't device myself to think this is a happily ever after.

"Harry!" I call out, squeezing the sides of my dress table and raise my head to stare at his disheveled form through the mirror.

I feel bad, I nearly beat him to shit today when I was completely wasted before he got the doctors here.

"I'm not your problem" I whisper and the silence surrounding us is so earsplitting he hears me and then again my heartbreaks from how pained he looked.

He starts to get closer to me but I stop him, turning over to yell "What won't you take a hint, god forbid"

I wanted so much to not go through with this, I wanted to just go over to him and feel protected because he was the only one that could give me that, I wanted to tell him how in love I was with him but I couldn't risk loosing myself. 

I'd worked so hard on my self preservation and I couldn't get ahead of myself not again.

"You cannot play joker and Harley with me I'm telling you. I'm not a depressed shit with problems that you think you can solve. Harry please, I'm giving you the liberty to just walk out and not risk getting hurt. Please take it and please leave".

Harry continues to walk towards me. He takes hold of my hands in a firm and careful grip while I struggle to be free.

"I'm not leaving, I couldn't even if I wanted to" he yells back matching my frustration.

The way I wanted to believe that got me mad, I was too damaged to allow myself believe him. I muster all the drug induced energy in me and push him off, causing him to stagger and nearly fall.

"Damn you are so annoying" I fall to the ground, burying my face in my hands while I sobbed furiously.

"You know what you are most probably insane you know that" Harry barks at me and I freeze.