Lovesick on Siwicki

Chapter 1: The History Behind My Ears

Whenever someone asks me, "Would you rather be blind or deaf?" I choose blind. My life revolves around sound. Even when I was little, I would often quiz my mom about why things made noise. She blames the old cassette player that she let me have as one of my first toys. I found myself fascinated by fragments of audio. I'd study snippets and YouTube videos until everyone around me got annoyed.

Throughout my grade school years, I clung to subjects like science. People would surely think I was smart then, no? I'm often assumed to be the opposite since I'm good-enough-looking. I enjoyed the arts, but I thought they were only meant to be hobbies, whereas school was for seriousness and logic and commitment.

Though, I did thrive when I was old enough to study physics. My science teacher, Mr. Simons, mentored me at my small high school in Bakersfield. He would always say "Jackie, you need to go into Acoustics!" He also taught a leadership course (yes, the staff was that limited) that I took simply because I loved him so much.

So, I looked into Acoustics, and I liked it. Though, I worried about what career I'd end up pursuing with such a degree. Would it be boring? Would I feel like I belonged? And while I liked science, I wish I'd spent more time exploring my creative side by taking classes like orchestra, choir, or theater. My best friend, Natalie, was usually the lead role in our low-budget musicals and plays. She loved every second of it. Not that it matters, but I was always a little jealous of her talents. Nevertheless, I was still her biggest fan, cheering her on from the front row, silently wondering if I'd ever get to do something cool.

But, here I stand. A confused, broke college student at California State. Doubting her choices. Manager of Fired Pie, probably the shittiest pizza joint in all of L.A. Highlights in her brown hair that Natalie insisted she put in. Wishing she could chase something bigger.

Mom didn't want me to move away for school this August. I tried to explain my goal of achieving something great with my ears and independence and nerdiness. She still didn't understand why I had to leave home. I reassured her that it was only a two hour drive. It's always just been Mom and I. We take care of each other. She thinks I'm so mature since I had to grow up faster than my peers, especially during her depressive episodes. She feels badly for not prioritizing her mental health back then, but I'm not upset about it. My mom (her actual name being Vivian, Viv, or Ms. Parker) is stunning, kindhearted, troubled, and anxious all in one. Her face has wrinkles but it doesn't take away from her beauty at all. She would always get hit on when we'd go out to eat, but never subjected me to any stepdads, boyfriends, or creeps. I would say I'm thankful for that, but I do wish she had a companion. We talk on the phone most every day, but I hope she's not concealing severe loneliness from me. Hell, even I've been feeling lonely lately, and I don't really mind being alone.