JOURNAL 101

𝕥𝕙𝕖 𝕤𝕥𝕣𝕠𝕟𝕘 𝕘𝕚𝕣𝕝 𝕀 𝕒𝕞

hiiii future self (cause I'm pretty sure no one else is gonna read it) this we created on this app on Wednesday rainy night while listening kiss me more by doia cat

P.s this is not a story

It's more of like a journal they I decided to make to pour all my thoughts and it's kind of a diary I just felt the need to write things down instead of keeping everything bottled up and cry almost every night while listening to music you know doja's music really hits hard at night especially some like this

Okay so a little about myself

Me😊:hi im me I'm the cofident and open minded of mela I'm there for her only when she's really feeling it that's when she looks in the mirror and see a girl with beautiful long natural thick curly hair and a really good body shape and in a lazy fit ready to sleep or walk around and boosting everyone's self esteem and making sure everyone love themselves that's basically my job right there make her feel about herself

Her🤑😝:hi I'm her and I'm a bad beej version of Mae gal right but sadly me and her are just a mask she wears in order to survive and not slit her wrists any time sooner let's just leave that for she🤫⬇️⬇️ she is not perfect and nobody else is like fuck perfection, people expect to me do stuff for them like I'm their mother I'm so tired of this sexist mf like bitch just stop it anywayssssssss I enter my gals life when she is loaded and rollin (dosent make any sense) like when she has a good comeback or a joke everyone laughs at or when she dressed up in clothes that hugs her curves nice a and good or when she is being bad and boujee that's where I basically come in when she thinks it's one man for themselves and flirting with literally every guy she sees even though she doesn't like them that me that bad Bitch she😝😝😝😝

Her😰😨😭:hi I'm her I'm the real version of mela she and me is like a makeup to me just wears them when needed If it was really a makeup my face probably looks bad ...wait it does scars and open wounds that will never heal no matter how much help I get ,the scars are always waiting to be stabbed so we wear  those two painful masks . And I'm doing a pretty good job for an emotionless being my heart scorned and hurt a lot with the words            depressed,cry,pathetic,ugly,weird, talkative,skinny,not good enough,hopeless and anxiety
Engraved on them like one would write with ease on a book I'm a prone to trouble and anxiety always on the verge of tears and with my my shaking and sweaty palms and my chest pounding the way I'm always scared of future events happening b4 I didn't mind crying in front of everyone but now I just want to hide my crying face and shout at stars for designing such fate for me not only that I just to shout at how it hurts it hurts like a bitch god it really does hurt I can already feel my chest tighten and my eyes watering, this hurts I wanna scream and shout but my stupid brain  just tells me to stop and trust me stopping me from slitting my wrists is like stopping a runaway train but guess what I'm still holding on to every last hope I have ............ but it's really not that easy ,😭😭😭😭😭😭 OMG crying feels so new to me now even though I just missed a day of no crying ...........yk I missed the primary school days those little moments of rebellion and no responsibility,  god I hate growing up it's not so easy coming clean spilling this to other people all they ever do is give me some advice that worsens my situation yk I need a friend who will Pat my back Everything will be alright ,even if it's fake and you go behind my back say shit about me ..but I am in desperate need of help but mouth is taped with my my own  silent night cries and insecurities I know it's pretty hard to believe a girl like  me have this side to her like I'm literally the girl version of j hope and I believe in fairytails and those kind of sweet stuff and a handsome charming night in shinning amor but well just say IVA wasn't lying when she said "you the fakest girl I know" but for know Im just keep my pain to myself and endure until the pain till who knows when I can actually quit this bullshit and actually die yk

So till then I guess✌️✌️

Ughhh this was so hard to write I can't stop crying fuvkkkkkkkkkkkkk

December 29th
weather:⛈️⛈️🌬️
Mood:😭😭😭😭
Time: 2:51am