Heavy glass bottles are in my hands. I try holding them steady as I pour out the bad smelling liquid. I need to dump them out; I need to dump all of it out. I try holding them with my weak little hands so they don't slip and break. "I can't take this anymore" my voice squeaks as I try to get angry.
My dad yells at me "You're wasting money!"
I yell back "I don't care!" my eyes burn and soon enough tears stream down my face; I can't control them.
"I'm sorry" he says, his voice pained, "it won't happen again." He tells me this every time. A part of me wants to believe, but I know he is lying.
I still respond with "Promise?" He reaches in for a hug and I pull away.
"Please don't tell your mom" he says. I tell him I won't as long as he stops; he agrees and reaches in again for a hug. This time, it's accepted.
When the weekend ends and I'm back home, I hold in that horrible secret that tears me apart inside. I'm so upset I can't even eat. He has too much temptation living next to a bar so it's not his fault. It's wrong of me to be mad at him, so I try to forget about it. My Barbie Dolls get rid of some of my sadness. I'm only ten, afterall.
My sister Tabitha and I go back to my dad's again the next weekend. My sister is only about five and I have to protect her. Tabitha sits on the floor playing with her dolls; I sit on the bed watching tv. I get up to check on my dad. I can tell he's drunk again even though he's asleep. I knew this would happen again. I get a pain in my stomach and I run back to the bed to crawl under the covers. I take outthe phone my mom gave me just in case anything happens and press 'call home.' The phone rings forever, till she finally answers intuitively "What's wrong?" I tell her I think dad's drunk. She responds with "Okay" and then she hangs up. I can't believe I just did that. My dad is going to be so mad at me. Was it the right thing to do? Will my dad hate me? Does my mom hate me for calling? My throat is closing; I need to get air. I rip the covers off to see my sister still playing with her dolls. Tabitha didn't hear anything. Good.
"Bang! Bang Bang!" My dad stumbles to the door. He fidgets to unlock the door and finally manages to get it open. "Hello" a fake smile appears on his face, too drunk from the vodka to know what's going on. My mom pushes him aside. "Mommy!" My little sister is excited to see my mom. "Come on girls we're leaving." My sister's face turns sad. The tears start to fall from her eyes and she just stares at me, "No I don't want to leave" she sounds pitiful. My step dad picks her up. My dad calls me over, so I go to him. He pulls me in and starts to cry "I'm so sorry Samantha." I don't know what to do but I feel tears falling from my eyes. My mom pulls me away "Matt you're making it worse" I feel a shooting pain in my chest. This is all my fault. I should have kept my mouth shut. My mom pulls me out of the doorway and slams it shut.
After that I didn't see my dad for two years. My dad went to rehab and during that time ultimately enrolled in school to become a respiratory therapist. He rose high from how far he had fallen. Through all of my experiences I realized that in life we have to make hard decisions. Some of the decisions we make may hurt others but if it's right for us then it needs to be done. Now because of this I'm conscientious in making decisions in fear that someone around me will be affected by it. I am strong and know that certain things need to get done and only I can make them happen. I am in charge of my own future and the path that I will take. I will do everything necessary to make sure I do the right thing in my life.
