And When No Hope Was Left in Sight on that Starry Starry Night

Perhaps They'll Listen Now

TW: Talks of suicidal thoughts.

"Freddie?"

"What's going on? It's nearly 3 in the morning."

"I know I-ah...I just can't be alone right now."

It seemed as if no sooner than those words left my mouth, he was knocking at my door. "It's unlocked!", I yelled out to him. He opened the door and I could hear him taking off his shoes, as he always did before entering someone's home. I turned my head and watched as he made his way over to me. His dark hair was all curly and tossled. That combined with the fact he was just in silk pajama pants and a vest suggested I had woken him up. A wave a sickening guilt washed over me as I knew how rare sleep was for him.

He sat next to me on the small loveseat I had chosen to curl up on. "Tell me what's going on? I'm terribly worried about you." His tone was so soft and genuine, which made everything hurt more. I was faced away from him but I could still see his face out of the corner of my eye. Freddie's dark eyes were soft and full of genuine concern which was unlike his usual demeanor.

"I don't know." I muttered as I buried my head against my knees. "Don't give me that bullshit. I've known you a long while, somethings wrong." I felt his hand on my back, the contact spreading some much needed warmth through me. But, at the same time my chest began to heave with small open sobs.

"Honey, I can't help you if I don't know what's wrong."

"It's all ridiculous stuff-you don't deserve to deal with it."

"It's not ridiculous if it's affecting you this much, tell me."

I felt him gently turn my head so that I was looking at him. "It's not ridiculous-you're not ridiculous.", he repeated to me. "I don't know what's wrong with me,", I began to admit, "no matter what I do I'm not good enough. I'm so fucking useless, all I'll ever do is make people's lives worse."

Freddie took a small breath before he started to speak, "You aren't useless, you know that. And-and you certainly don't make my life worse." After his sentence he squeezed my hands, and continued to hold them. "It's not that fucking simple Freddie. Last week I stressed you the hell out before your meeting, and now I've got you here in the middle of the night while you should be sleeping! Every time I try to help someone I make it worse or-or I'm too much of a mess to even help!" I could feel tears rolling down my cheeks, as my voice was beginning to give out.

"That doesn't make you useless! You're human as well, you can't always have the perfect answers. As for last week, that wasn't your fault either. Come on, you know what you are being ridiculous. Ridiculous to think these horrendous things of yourself." His tone was filled with concern, and so were his eyes.

"I feel like everyone would just be better off if I wasn't here."

The silence in the room was deafening after admitting that to him. Freddie seemed so shocked in that moment, as if he never expected in a million years that I'd say that. "How could you think that?", he asked in a small voice, "You're my best friend, and-and I don't know what the hell I'd do without you." He put his hands on my face to make sure that I'd look at him. "You're the only one who puts up with me, darling. God, who the hell else would come over to my flat at least twice a day because I've got a "brilliant idea." He was stuttering his words more than normal and seemed nearly frantic.

"You're the only one I trust, and I know you'll always be there for me. I don't know what I'd ever do without you. You're the most precious thing to me, and you must understand that. I know I'm a moody bitch, and I take you for granted at times, but I'll change. I'll remind you this every fucking day if I've got to."

He ended his words with putting his arms around me very tightly. I was nearly on his lap, and was being half suffocated, but I didn't mind. "Can we just stay like this for a while?" My voice was barely above a whisper, as I nearly felt ashamed to ask to be held like that. I felt him nod and kiss my head.

Freddie was a person who enjoyed that physical contact especially when upset. I wasn't to put it simply. But, whenever he was upset I'd just suck it up and hug him. So, having him hug me was a new experience. He loosened his grip a bit, and began to rub small circles against my back.

It got to the point where I nearly fell asleep until he pulled away. "I love you." He offered with a small hopeful smile. I returned the statement with a little smile myself. "Oh aren't I just the best, dear? See, I'm fabulous at cheering people up." His bragging and emphasized posh tone made me start to laugh.

"But,", his tone went more serious making me stop laughing," when you get bad like this, don't keep it from me. Don't wait until it's this bad okay?" I gave a little nod and he held onto my hand once more.