Gay is Normal

Prologue

I always knew I, Ashlee Marie Johnson, was different. I mean, different than everyone else. Yes, its true, I like guys, and Im a girl. Its weird, I know, but other people shouldnt judge me, I can't help it. I was born this way, I can't change myself.

When I first found out that I liked boys, I was at my uncle's wedding, he was marrying a nice man and he seemed cool. But I was 7, and I was the ring bearer. There was also a young boy, that was my age, he was the flower boy. At one point in the wedding, we both connected eye contact, and we just looked at each other for a minute or so. But then, he just ran away. I had no idea why. Was there something in my teeth or something?

I think that it isn't fair, that we cannot love who we want to love. I mean, if their the opposite gender as you. And that it's considered a sin, I just hate it. Im probablly going to end up alone in this world, never finding "the one."

When I was about 13 years old, and the word of me liking boys was getting around my school. And soon, everyone knew. I think I even had a boyfriend at one point. It wasn't official, but we did alot of things that couples did together. His name was Jack, and he was super sweet. We hugged, we held hands, and we might've even kissed once. But no one every saw us do any of these things. Until this one day, we kissed in the auditorium, and these kids saw us. Jack blamed me and kept screaming at me, and saying," Get off of me! I hate you!" I cried and the kids beat me up, they called me names and hit me. They wrote things like, "Faggot," "Slut," and," Whore," On my forehead every day.

I cried myself to sleep every night, but then sooner or later, replaced that with cutting myself.

At this point, my parents didn't really do anything to help me, they just thought this was a phase of my life, and it would stop. I'd keep telling them that I was different and It wasn't going to stop.

Everyone still hurted me after a couple months, Jack hadn't done anything to help me, so I thought of breaking up with him. With that, I did. I sent him a text saying I was breaking up with him. I know, I know thats harsh, but after what he did to me, I didn't care.

So yes, all this bullshit is still happening to me today. I still don't have a boyfriend, but now, my family is supporting me and they love me. I still cut myself, all over my arms and legs, everyday. Not because of my family, my schoolmates.

I know it's bad, but it makes me feel so good. As if the pain is making me feel better, because maybe if I cut too much I can leave this world for good.

I am now 17 with still, 2 mothers, and a little brother. It was so hard for my mothers to take in, that their only daughter wasn't like them. They didn't want me to be a sinner, for something I couldn't control. But they still love me, they believe that I can get through all this shit, and find a boy that I will love. But I don't think that will happen, Im probablly one of the only sinners in the world.

And still, I come home from school with new bruises and sometimes even a broken nose. At school Im usually alone and have no friends. Most of the teachers don't even like me or give me good grades, just because Im different. They mostly give me F's, but there is this one teacher, Mr. Murphy.

Mr.Murphy is my band teacher, and he's amazing. He is the only nice person at school. He's probablly my best friend. He actually likes me, he says Im a super star french horn player. And that's one thing that I get up and go to school for.

But he has one thing in common with me. He's different, he has a wife. This makes me think, that maybe I do have a chance, to find a man in my life.

Mr.Murphy hasn't told anyone else that he has a wife. He saw what everyone was doing to me and he just told me, that he had a wife and not a husband. He told me that his wife was a french horn player also, and that I should take private lessons with her, so I could be the best.

I actually meet her every Tuesday and it makes me happy. I mean, we talk about how different we are, and she says that I can get through it.

Another thing that gets me throught the day is, music. Im in love with music, and I cannot live without it. It calms me down and makes me happy. I get to forget about my real life and pretend that life is great. I get to smile and just focus on my music and think of what I could do with my life, and with music.

I believe Mr and Mrs Murphy, that everything will be okay. But all those kids at school, make me feel, like I can't, so that is why I cut.

Anyways, here is the rest of my story