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Cannibals Ate My Legs

In which Sirius Black is a hired hitman, and Remus Lupin is the dorky target.

When you kill people, it's best to use a different weapon every time. Otherwise, the police might detect a pattern. For the most part, they also will notice if your killings seem to ritualistic. Sirius Black ran his fingertips over the hilt of a small butterfly knife. It was good and sharp and bought off a drug dealer. Sirius liked using a different weapon each kill, it kept him out of routine. Last month he had made a kill using a baseball bat, and he personally thought it was the coolest since the guy he had drowned last fall (he kept up with the news: nobody had found the body yet.)

Sirius opened the heavy door, weak sunlight filtering in from the window at the end of the carpeted hall. He leaned against the wall, pretending to be preoccupied. His hirer, the person who wanted the target dead, had said that the mark would be out at this time to go to lunch. A door opened, the clicking of a the handle being locked. A tall, gangly man stepped out. He was wearing slacks that weren't even long enough for his lengthy legs and came up an inch above his ankles, a sweater a size too big for his scrawney body, and his short hair tussled up. Sirius blinked, his grip on the butterfly knife loosening. Someone wanted him to kill this noodlehead?

Sirius racked through his brain for this guys name. Probably a goofy name like Randy or Balthazar. He knew the man on the phone had said his name, but it managed to slip his mind while he rushed to get over to the apartments, even managing to put his long black hair into a messy bun with two bobby pins: a true skill that took more time to master then knife throwing.

The lanky man stopped suddenly, his bright face confused. He pat his front pockets that were too small to be counted as men's pants, and his back pockets.

"Keys!" he mumbled loud enough for the hitman to hear. He turned back and tried to open his apartment door-- it was locked. The man redded in a blush before turning to Sirius and having the audacity to even speak to him. "Mister, er-- Do you happen to know how to pick a lock?"

"I-- why don't know get a key from the front desk or something?"

"They inflate the cost-- just, please, Sir... Can you pick a lock?" Sirius tipped his head up. Now would be a good time to slice his throat. It would be clean, quick. Just like his employer wanted it to be, no suffering. Sirius guess that his employer knew this scragly hit personally.

Black wasn't sure why, but he took out the two bobby pins from his hair, letting it fall out to his shoulders. The guy's thin face lit up like a match. Sirius noticed a butterfly bandage taping together a cut across the bridge of his nose, the pink winged creatures oddly bringing out his green eyes.

"I'm Remus by the way. Remus Lupin." he babbled as Sirius straightened out the bobby pins, putting one in one side of the lock, and using the other to turn the tumblers. "That literally translates to Wolf Wolf, in case you didn't know. I know, I know, What were your parents thinking?!" he used a different voice trying to immitate a woman in his last sentence of word, "I personally don't think they were thinking at all. What's your name? My friend Peter says I'm too trusting of strang-- oh no!" Remus stopped talking at once, folding his arms up so he could touch his shoulderblades. Sirius watched him through the corner of his eye as he opened the cheap lock. "I was supposed to meet Peter at lunch five minutes ago and I'm going to be so. Late." Sirius opened the door, Remus bouncing in with a rush of thank-yous. Sirius slid his hand into his pocket, grabbing the knife. It's now or never. Twenty grand for killing this bouncing ball of limbs.

Just as soon as he went in, he was right back out. "I bet Peter isn't waiting on me, he's probably gone by now..." Remus glanced up at Sirius, a glint in his eye. "Did you want to go to lunch with me? I don't like eating alone." Now. Kill him now. Remus linked his bony arm with Sirius'. Or kill him on the staircase. Push him off the curb. Slit his throat in the parking lot. It a bathroom. Sirius felt his grip loosen on the knife in his hand again as Remus started talking about his friends.

"Lily says I trust too many people. Oh! One time, Lily and I were going out to a mall--" he started going on. Stories of Lily, her boyfriend James, the Peter Pettigrew that he was supposed to meet for lunch. He didn't have to kill all his hired hits, right? Sirius let the knife fall from his hand and onto the old apartment carpet. Guess not.