The clock was conveyed with infinite time. Each melody played in my head as though it were the first and I heard it and lived as though it were, blaming myself came from this. Even when that same melody caused me unbelievable pain, I felt that I still had to blame myself, it was as though I were bleeding inside at the request of something which I couldn't control; something which only you could, whether it be intentionally or not.
I pictured you and you were smiling? I didn’t understand and yet I knew that this was how I wanted to remember you. The clock counted on. The music played again and still, blaming myself seemed as though it were all I could do, but confusion started to build.
My mind was like a compilation being added to again and again and yet the colour was not being portrayed, it scared me. I blame myself again for this. I knew that you couldn’t be initiating the entirety, unless as I feared you were some kind of God with a corrupt sense of humour, but somehow I couldn’t see that you could do anything wrong and it distressed me to think of you like that.
It has been said that the most profound statements are often said in silence, I guess its fair to say that when your whole life is lived in silence, then everything is classed as being profound, no one could possibly imagine the elements which run through and through your mind, when no one will ever know the personality behind that slightly uncomfortable smile. I lived my life like this, wanting to speak out however resembled the highest level of maturity, a factor which was advertised as being impenetrable, it seemed easier to be manipulated when your understanding of the situation was much greater, more than it would have been, had you have been sincerely aware of what lay ahead.
The capability of realisation, which I held was higher than anyone, especially you could have imagined, I blamed myself for this and was yet starting to wonder why. The clock was now being mirrored by me and I knew the blame should be put upon myself and reluctantly it was.
The music was now starting to contradict everything that I could have ever apprehended and it seemed as though each shed of tear, which I deplored, pierced down my face like a shard of glass. All I could hear was you mocking the vulnerability, which I displayed unwillingly, and taking approval from this. How could I have ever loved something so bittersweet and yet so determined on recognising the glory of other people’s anguish and melancholy? I could now finally blame you for this feeling with no disturbing conscience counteracting my thoughts.
Yet, I remember when you first spoke to me, telling me that I was a perplexity that was yet to be distinguished. I loved you and you knew this, but as time went on, I felt that the understanding of myself, which I held, was becoming more and more complex. You were destroying me from within; I was letting you do this. How could I now blame myself for something, which I knew you did consciously?
It was because of this that the concept of life and death started to materialise in my head, scaring with images, which I couldn’t influence, this I again blame you for. The clock, it seemed was getting faster and faster, this however is impossible as 60 seconds always will be identified as one minute, time.
I question why I let you do this to me, rupture me from within so that all significance in life was devastated and so that on an inconceivable occasion where happiness was close enough to affect, it jumped head first into continuity. It’s like the whole world sees straight through me at the behest of your administration.
Blindness had shocked me into this underlying state of prostration. I had to do something to abandon this on-going pain; I felt it burn me from within. This was the pain, which you had inflicted upon me. But all I could think of were the concepts, which had previously persisted through my head many times at an imponderable speed, the starvation, which I felt for death, was becoming more and more conspicuous. The bravery which I clung to became denser, I was ready for this, I could do it, then just like that, I disobeyed the frequent barriers which had before prevented me and I was at last blessed with the exemption which I craved.
The music accelerated and became monotonous; you were the motivation behind the unison, which drove me to destruction, you were that song, you were the music; you were everything, which manufactured this hysteric insanity.
The clock stopped, time was now at its end and everything was fading rapidly. The light became brighter and excessively perceptive, almost as though infinity never was and I began to walk towards it. Though almost as soon as it had transpired, it was absorbed by obscurity. I was now defying gravity, flying.
But the pressure was to great to withhold and the force started to pull me down, it was holding my fate in its hands. With no warning it sharply it let me go. I was now ready for my demise, my last thoughts being that of great longing for this excursion to come to an end, and as though he heard me, God or you granted me this and I was gone.
