a different type of high

to high for this.

(mention of self harm and suicide. EXTREME TW!!!)

blink.
inhale.
blink.
breathe out.
taking hits off my cart brought me so much serotonin. it made me genuinely happy. as i take another hit, i smile.
blink.
inhale.
blink.
breathe out.
i feel like im floating. i love this feeling. walking on the crevices of the moon. touching the stars as i pass them. looking around seeing everything sway perfectly. side to side, bouncing. thats all i see. i sigh, and the corners of my mouth go up. im happy.

theres nothing in my life that makes me genuinely happy, other than this drug. i dont mind though. its okay. its just my life. yea, other people have the joy of having someone. their person. their other half. someone they can share memories with. grow with. but its okay. it really is i swear. i dont care. i dont. i dont really care about anything. how i look, it doesnt bother me. i just, dont care.
blink.
inhale.
blink.
breathe out.
i swear it doesn't bother me. it doesnt bother me how my grades keep slipping. it doesnt bother me how no one has ever truly cared for me.
blink.
inhale.
blink.
breathe out.
it doesnt bother me. i dont care.
fuck. i ran out of weed. as im walking to the local store, with a good cashier who doesnt ID, i feel someone bump into me, and spill my money everywhere.
"fuck you you fucking idiot!" i scream at him. i avoid eye contact. im not good with that type of thing. not to mention, my eyes can barely stay open, and are blood shot red. "im sorry. let me help you. " he said. his voice echoed in my mind. "im sorry, let me.. im sorry. help you. let me. im sorry.." repeated in my mind. "im not gonna pay you to help me." i say sarcastically. i pick up my stuff and walk away.
"the usual please. " i say. "izzy you need to slow down. im worried. your hairs all tangled. your shirt is all stained. do you need some help?" the cashier says. "just give me it please. " i say. he hands me my stuff, and i walk out the store, just to see him waiting for me.
"i never got your name pretty lady." he says. "pretty lady.. name.." repeated in my mind. i look up at him. he had this poofy, curly hair. his skin tone was an olive tan, and he had brown eyes, and was the same height as me. around 5'8/5'9. he was wearing a flannel, with a black shirt underneath. he was wearing black sweatpants and vans. he had perfect lips and had one freckle on his face. i just stared. "its izzy- no, its isabel. call me isabel. actually, dont call me. " i say. i walk away. "wait! please?" he calls. "what dude?" i say. my eyebrows are scrunched up, im biting my lip, and im looking at him in the eyes. thats weird. i dont look at people in the eyes.

"care if i join?" he says holding up a blunt. i smirk, raising an eyebrow. i chuckle, and well, fuck it. "why not. you got a car?" i say. "yup. follow me. " "wait.. im driving." i say. "yes maam.." he says. i roll my eyes. "wanna do it in my car or your place? or mine im down for anywhere." he says. "my place." i say.

i drive to my house, sneaking him in through my window. we laugh as he falls on the floor. "isabel?? what was that.." i heard my mom say. "get in my closet. theres a purple shirt, lift it up, and go inside that trap door. hurry!!" i say. he scurried into my closet but before he can get into the trap door, my mom rushes in. he stood there stiff as a door, i pretended to get up. "sorry mom i fell off my bed." i say. he almost laughs but covers his mouth. im to high for this. "okay baby. just checkin.." she shuts the door and i wait to hear her footsteps fade, and i let out a loud laugh. he exhaled, and walked over to me. "you rea-" i cover his mouth and say while i put my finger over his mouth, "whisper." "okay..you ready?" he says. "hell yea." i say.

i put a towel under my door, open my window and turn on a fan. i grab the lighter next to my candle, and light the end up the blunt.
inhale.
hold.
exhale.
he did the same.
inhale.
hold.
exhale.

he coughs.
i laugh.

we finish the blunt, and at this point im faded as fuck. we listen to music for a while, and all of a sudden i know everything about him. he knows everything about me. i dont know when to stop talking. "do you ever think about suicide?" i say. "no, why haha?" he says. "nothing. just thinking." i say. looking over at the pills on my stand. he glances at me. he looks me up and down and says "im not going to let you kill yourself. " "you dont know me. how do you know if im going to or not. " i say, starting to get defensive. "because of how you reacted to me saying that. " my face gets red, and i just look away. i dont care i dont. but others dont care either. "im okay. i dont care. i really dont care about anything." i say. "people who say that never mean it. the saying i dont care in reality means you i do care. i care alot." he says, looking at me. i look away. "not true." i say. deep down, thats so true. no, what am i saying. im just high.

"whats your name, secret boy. " i say trying to change the subject. "ali. my names ali. " he says. a wave of tiredness washes over me. "nice to meet you ali.. i wonder.. if this is real. " i say, as i feel myself fading away. i fell into a deep, deep slumber.

when i wake up, alis gone. i was in my bed, i had socks on and a new hoodie. it smelt like him. i had a blanket over me, and laying besides me, lay a note.

"hey isabel. its ali. you fell asleep. i tried to make you as comfortable as possible.
i had fun last night.
maybe we can do it again? ill leave my number and socials here. im hoping for a text. - ali

oh and psa, i know about your suicidal fantasies. not letting it happen. "

what the fuck happened last night? it was a blur. what does he mean he knows? i didnt even share with you. it was my secret. whatever. i just wont text him.

ring.

"isabel get the door!" my mom yells from down the hall. its 7am who the fuck is here. i open the door. "surprise stranger." he says. HIM. ali. i close the door behind me quickly. "why are you here? my moms gonna kill me. hurry leave. ill text you okay?" i say. "woah slow down. i just brought you hot chocolate." i take it, say thank you and rush him away. "im not gonna drink this!" i yell. he winks and walks to his car. what just happened? why am i red? what. the. hell.

a couple months go by, and i find myself always hanging out with him. always sneaking him in. always  talking to him. he was.. different.

i skipped school today. i was going to do it today. i was going to take my life. i already had a note written out. not like anyone cares. i get myself ready, i tried to look pretty. because i might see him. not like i care, but you know.. just incase. i brush my hair, i brush my teeth, i put on deodorant, and i put on a nice outfit. out i go.

i get to the store, i look for the blades, and i buy one pack of blades. i drink the hot chocolate he bought me, and as im walking out the store, i see him. he sees me. "i thought you werent going to drink it?" he calls. i chug it and throw it in the trash. "i didnt. " i say. "you sure?" he grins. i nod. i hide my bag, and i say  i have to go. "hey isabel? i care about you. id like to take you on a date. you make me feel special." he says. my hearts beating faster than usual. my face feels warm. my hands get sweaty. is this normal? "your joking. " i say. i scrunch my eyebrows. " its so cute when you do that. ill see you at 7. meet me at julias outback!" he says, then walks away. wow. did that just happen? i cant. i would love to. i feel a tear form in my eye. i wipe it quickly, and go to eat my final meal.

i eat it quickly. i havent ate in a while. its around 8pm. its dark outside. and cold. i walk to the bridge, with my note in my hand, and my blades in the other. i sit there for a minute, thinking about him. i wonder if he was here, i wonder what we would be doing. i close my eyes, and open them. i look up at the stars. i get over the fence, blocking the bridge. i take a deep breath, and i slit my wrist. blood drips from my arm, onto the cold concrete making a splat. i stare at it for a moment, take another breath, and i close my eyes. i lean back, and i feel everything fade away. i felt the air breeze through my hair, finally. it has ended.

why did i stop? why am i not falling anymore? i felt pressure around my ankle. i look up. it was him. "isabel.. im so sorry. " he says. he pulls me up, and ties that flannle he always wears around my arm to stop the blood flow. i cough. im so cold. i feel myself drifting away. "isabel! stay with me! i- i love you!" he yells. i felt a teardrop fall onto my face. my hearts beating. but its getting slower. i want to live now. the truth is, i do care. i cared that i wasnt cared for. i cared that i relied on drugs. i cared about my looks. i cared about everything, and him. i cared about him alot. he was my new high. he made me feel, happy. genuinely.. happy. "i love you ali. " i say. i take a breath, and i fade away. 

blink.
blink.
i open my eyes. its bright. im in a gown, in a white room, with him pacing.
"ali?" i groan. he runs to me. "isabel thank god! you were in a coma for a couple days.. it was slim you were going to make it. god im so greatful." he says. "ali come here. close. " i say. he comes closer. i look at him in those eyes i could stare at all day. i hold his hand, and i go even closer to his face. "thank you my love. " i say. i feel the tension between us. i feel heat. i felt.. love. joy. i lean in and kiss him. he kissed me back. i run my hands through his hair. i couldnt be any happier. this boy saved me, and i couldnt be happier to be alive.