I'm so tired of waiting. Waiting for my parents who've been together for over 30 years, to fight because my mom accuses my dad of fucking some 19 year old chick. I'm tired of wondering if one day I'll see my mom dead on the floor because the nigga always blows a fuse but is too prideful or fucking bitch made to leave the house that doesn't even have his name on it. I know I'm a shit son, I don't pay any bills because I don't have the money for it, but I hate it whenever this nigga comes at me telling me to help pay the shit when all last year all he did was bitch and moan that he wouldn't pay shit because he assumes that my mom put the house in her name behind his back. Well excuse me sir, I think she's fucking justified after you pointed your revolver at her and then proceeded to break a broom over her back. I don't even think I love this nigga anymore, I've been fighting my fears of killing him for the past two to three months after I saw him kick her in the stomach and swole her face up with his punches. Typing this shit out is actually calming me down, I wish I could say this shit to his face but the nigga would he either blow my brains out like he said that he'd do that after I naturally tried to stop him again and then I ran, he assumed I would kill him with something and that's understandable. Hell I pulled a knife out on him like 2 years ago, so it's very understandable. I'm just so fucking sick of waiting for the arguing, then the screaming, each of them SWEARING ON THEIR KIDS LIVES that they're telling the truth. Even my older sister said she's done and my big brother said that it's on them and that they're too old for that shit. Both 55 years old and they're making my 24 year old ass want to have a heart attack at some points. I won't do it though because that won't solve anything. I'm just waiting for the next fight, so once he throws a punch I can just finally call the cops and hope that my mom doesn't tell him that they're coming just so she can protect his ass.
Am I being ungrateful? He worked multiple jobs and fished every day to feed the family growing up. I try to understand his position, but fail to understand why the fuck he chooses to stay with her, is it for the power he stands to gain or what? The control he has over her fragile fucking mind to the point where she asks him to take her life and make it quick, I fucking hate hearing that shit! What about your grandkids you want, what about your blood family, what about my sister and my brother, and what about me that has to witness that shit!? I remember she called me a punk for crying on my birthday at 13, and now I gotta watch this soap opera shit? It's not easy to leave an abuser, but god dam at least fight to survive.
The only thing that takes my mind off of it is playing video games and going to work. The reason why I don't have enough money to pay the dam bills is because I only work on the weekends, don't have a car to get there and have to get dropped off, if I want to take the bus then I'd have to wake up at 4am if I want my usual time. I only earn $130 every week and I blow through the shit every dam week whether it be for a game or a subscription to an app I'm using. I want to save enough to buy a dam ps5 and a car, but how long would that even take? And it's fucking slave driving in that place, whether your a server or a dishwasher. I know I should apply for another job, especially after graduating college, but I'm too dam complacent and I procrastinate way too much. I even tried looking for ways other than playing games to distract myself, like buying a sketchbook that I haven't used yet after two dam months or trying to use my games to stream on youtube.
Every time I hear the clicking of the tv from the room across mine, I become disgusted. Not with just how this bastard is still in this house and not paying a single fucking bill, but with myself for thinking about cutting off his fingers if he ever lays another hand on my mom again. He's my biological father, but I don't know what the hell to feel for that anymore. I struggle to sleep at night due to the scenarios popping up in my head, then stressing about my loan debt, not being taught shit by either parent and being so far behind in life in my opinion that I wonder if there's any value of me living. I already had a dad tell me he'd blow my head off and he said that shit as easy as he breathes air through his lungs, he's just another nigga living in the house with me instead of being my dad now. I still remember in July that he said on purpose within earshot of me that he has no problem cutting himself from the family, so the nigga is dead to me and any conversation between us is just meet wanting to get the shit over with and go back to my room anyway.
I need a car, I want to buy my own place, want to meet a woman so my family can finally stop fucking pestering me about how I gotta get a gf. I know I can't do tbat while staying here, while working this dead end job, and having these thoughts always linger; but I give up before I even try to do anything different, I feel nothing but anxiety with every choice that I make and that shit keeps me stuck in this grave that I keep digging myself deeper into. And a girlfriend? I lack the social skills for that shit, never even tried to spit game at even one, got a few numbers growing up but that stopped after freshman year of high school, and even then I could never hold a conversation. I barely go out, what the fuck would I ever have to talk about at all? I don't keep up with trends, either news or the latest fashion, and I usually only speak when spoken to so I might be fucking doomed anyway. The nigga always tells me that I need to get out anyway, but growing up he always expected me to ask him for everything. That "closed mouths don't get fed" shit I've grown to hate. Wby the fuck do I, a child growing into a young man, have to ask a grown man to be my dad for me? He hasn't taught me shit because I never ask him for shit, and now more than ever I don't want to. I just pray to God I don't end up like him, so dam sensitive and my buttons easily pushed that I gotta threaten to kill my woman and her whole family, our kid included. Yeah, fuck him.
Hopefully this helps me get some dam sleep
