The Victim

03| confessions

N I N A

Still, two years earlier

I knew that anything I'd say, no one would listen but I got up the stage- not before seeing her picture on the poster. "Hi everybody," I smile a tight smile once I'm able to speak on the mic. "I know a lot of people knew me for hating Sarah- but I truly, truly never hated her,"

Truth is, I was jealous of her. I wanted to be just like her. In every way shape of form. Almost nobody knew we were sister's because of how we butt heads millions of times but that was mostly because of me. Right, lies. It was always my fault. I was the one who had problems- I envied everything she did. Even how she looked- although a lot of people could actually see we resembled each other- that still wasn't enough for me. She had the purest heart, all she had was happiness and when she lost it, she'd get it back.

"She was everything I wanted to be. I looked up to her- even with us being basically twins- she was more intelligent, had a greater heart. Everybody loved her.

The difference between us is that she always wanted happiness for everybody and I only wanted it to be me. And that was in the most selfish way possible.

"She always asked me- because she knew me so well, why wouldn't I change? Why couldn't I let others be happy? I'd always give her the same answer of, 'Nobody gives me a chance,' the cheapest answer I could ever make up. There was no reason. She always saw pass that and gave me so many more chances only for me to let her down time and time again. I understand if any of you here, hate my guts, I understand that. I wish I could've had a change of mind before she left- disappearing into God knows where but nobody deserved this graduation suit more than her. My sister. My role model. The person I've always wanted to be- for the good and for the better. And the only way I can actually make her proud, is to be the happiest person I can be."

"Happiness is a beautiful thing, don't take it for granted," I rephrase her words.

I no longer wanted to be a miserable sister. I know longer wanted to have a dark heart because at the end of the day, the light always won. This was the least I could do in her memory.

Sarah Belair will always be in our hearts.

***

L E V I N E

My grip on the stem of the rose was so tight even I could feel the pain in my palms. "Hey you," I whisper, looking down at her tombstone. "I've never been good with flowers but I brought one even though I'm allergic,"

Her funeral had been done. Everybody had poured their hearts out- cried and even screamed. "I hope you liked your funeral- I mean- okay that sounded so wrong but I hope you liked the way we honoured you. You said you never wanted any tears and we apologize for that because we were all just balling our eyes out then. Even me,"

"I'm still so angry at you, how could you have gone like that? You didn't deserve that. I miss you every fucking day and nothing will ever be the same with you not here. You were the light in everybody's darkness- we all miss you. I wish you could come back- I really wish you could," I weep. "But for some reason, everything happens for a reason,"

***

D A R E K

Dreams. I keep having dreams of her. Continues dreams. Some are too vivid and make me believe that she's actually there and some are too vague. So vague that I want to figure them out. It was like all the dreams were telling me a story. I don't know what kind of story because they were all jumbled up. The first one I had was more like a nightmare because it was memory.

The last memory I had of her.

The last memory we didn't even share. She couldn't even say goodbye. It was too late when I got there- I shouted at the medics, she was sent to a hospital and the doctors confirmed it. That she would not longer be with us. Her eyes were closed, not a part of her body was moving as much I was wantwd it to. One move. One eye flutter, was all it was gonna take. A heart beat, a cough. I was waiting for her to wake and say, "I'm fine, don't worry about me,"

But instead, that's what she said in the dreams.

I was hoping for her to be in recovery- and maybe just maybe ask for a glass of water because her throat was dry. For me to hear voice again, see her smile, laugh with a twinkle in her eyes- I'd do anything. Just anything. There was truly nothing I could do.

As much as I wanted- you couldn't have it all.

I roar, launching my fist into the mirror- and it cracked. The broken pieces covered the tiles on my bathroom floor and watched myself bleed. I never wanted to live with a, 'what if' and now those two words were stuck in my head. What if I didn't let her go? What if I had asked her? What if I had gone with her? What if I died instead?

I look at my eyes on the broken piece and see my eyes. They were bloodshot. She would still be here, if I didn't let her go upstairs that night. I should have realized something was up because she couldn't even muster up a lie. That was the time I saw her moving, smiling- the last.

Next thing I knew, I was crying on a lifeless body. That night she went through the backdoor, I was waiting for her to come back- so I could ask the question I'd been awaiting to ask her. If she'd be my girlfriend.

It was the perfect time.

If it had  gone the way I wanted it to, she'd be looking for her prom dress  maybe. Prom didn't matter, as long as I was with her, nothing else mattered.

Happiness is a beautiful thing, don't take it for granted.

And I wish, I would've given it to her sooner.