stuck in a memory

part 1. (maybe i have a problem)

tw. mature themes such as suggested seggual assalt i hate talking about it so get ready to be uncomfy 😎 also cursing

high school, and no this isn't your average high school story. girl falls in love with boy and girls life is just rainbows and sunshine. yea no that's not how life goes. this story is fucked up. just like me. sad part about this story is its still going. well how about we start from the beginning or some sort of beginning.

our story starts in boston massachusetts and i'm gonna be real honest with you i don't remember shit. only a couple moments that my brain managed to hold onto. dad dipped when i was about a toddler, apartment burnt down when i was about 5 also had asthma at the time, lived with my grandma when i eventually moved to atlanta georgia. don't remember much from this stage of my life either my mom says it's probably because i was young but i know it's because i checked out around that time. i mean shit i don't remember what i wore last week. i got a stepdad he's cool. my mom is a different story you'll see later. don't remember much of elementary school, middle school was ass most of my trauma really stems from that place but i tuck it in the back of my mind like i do with all of my bad memories. now i'm in high school writing in this dumbass journal my therapist used to say writing my feelings out could be good for me. i don't see her anymore.

"ZURI! Come take the dog out." i hear my mom yell from the kitchen probably. most likely on her 3rd shot of the night. i check my phone 8:64pm time really goes by fast. i get out of bed, find the easiest shoes to slip on, and head out my room. the second i step out of my room i smell.. mango? blue raspberry? just another one of my parents vapes. they like to try and be discrete they don't do a very good job. i see my dog waiting by the child gate it's really used for him now but we don't tell him that. my dog follows me to the kitchen and i see my mother with a drink by her pretty typical not much of a surprise. i grab my dogs leash and bring him outside.

outside is probably where i get the most peace. especially when it's much colder out it's peaceful by now my dog has found a spot to pee even though i don't like him much he's my safe place at times. we go inside not much happens at home except certain situations we'll get to those later. i stay in my room for the rest of the night away from everything and everyone i like it that way.
school, i don't really hate school i just don't like the learning aspect of it. that parts kinda shitty, boring to be more precise. i walk to the band room in the morning as i do everything morning and say hi to some of my band friends.

~meet some of the characterssss~
nile, my best friend since forever
chase, he's an associate we don't really talk outside of school
liliana, one of my favorite people on this planet
richie, a goofball
dee, my short companion
danny, keeps me sane
amara, a ray of sunshine and a little slow
bobby, amara's other half one of my favs
joey, close friend never fails to make me laugh
and the others.

i act my best at school. show everyone i'm happy when i'm not.
"what's good negro." dee said as they walked in i turn around
"sup shorty." i said as they then punch my shoulder.
"abusive much." i said as i rubbed my shoulder
"no i'm so nice what are you talking about." dee claimed as they went to greet everyone else. i shake my head as i am surrounded by idiots and i see him. like i said this isn't a love story. what's going on is much more complicated. first period is kinda boring don't really know a lot of people.
"good morning class today we are going to-" i guess i checked out because i don't recall the rest of that sentence.

"it's fucking cold out here dawg." i said at a marching band competition as i stupidly wore shorts. in october.
"why the fuck is your dumbass wearing shorts" jb said laughing
"mr.johnson said to wear athletic shorts smart ass." i claim still freezing. hearing the other marching bands playing as it was getting darker. then still freezing i curled up in a ball in my hoodie when one of the drummers gave me their jacket for my legs. i was honestly surprised he even noticed me let alone give me his jacket. i thanked him so and put the jacket over my legs. over time he took his jacket back and just as quick as i felt the cold air it was gone and that same drummer was then laying on my legs i felt my face heat up. mostly guys never gave me the time of day, now there is one right here laying between my legs. i shook whatever chance i thought i had because i knew he didn't like me that way. there's no way plus there was someone else in the back of my mind. i let him lay there for a while. he would occasionally look up at me and talk to me. i honestly don't remember anything he said because i was so focused on just him. his features. i feel his hand trace my leg as my heart quickened.

the bell rings. damn how long have i been gone. i really need to stop zoning out in class i never remember anything. omw to second is pretty chill i meet up with dee and richie on the way and hear their daily bickering.
"christmas is the fucking worst." dee says in agony.
"you're just a hater dee." richie says singing all i want for christmas is you. i laugh to myself they're idoits.
band class surrounded by buffoons but my personal favorite class of the day. not much happens in band except for dee, richie, amara, laura, and elliot acting a damn fool. the only laughs i get are from those kids. mr. brown is a good guy questionable teaching methods. he makes it a point to stop rehearsal at every inconvenience. which after a while gets very aggravating. in georgia the weather is quite odd its fall but 70 degrees out make it makes sense.

"YOURE SUCH A PUSSY!"
"YOU DONT LOVE ME!"
"i do love you." i said shaking in fear
"IF YOU DON'T DO THIS FOR ME ILL LEAVE YOU AND YOU'LL BE ALL ALONE. DO YOU WANT THAT?" tears fell out of my eyes and i closed them knowing what was gonna happen next.

another memory of the one who shall not be named just when i think ive buried him deep down in my memory he pops back up really anything can trigger one of those memories. this time it was the smell of axe body spray. gross.

"yo zuri you good?" dee said. we were at lunch. finally realizing my surroundings i came to the recollection that i spaced out all 3rd. fuck me. i also realized i haven't eaten but that's nothing new at this point. lunch is over and i'm back in 3rd i have no idea what she's talking about therefore i pop in my headphones and draw and think of some new story ideas. i love writing one of the more simpler things in this life that i live. it's about time for 4th and i'm dreading every minute my body tenses at the thought of going home. home isn't that bad as long as mom isnt in a bad mood or drunk either way i end up getting lectured or yelled at for something im doing wrong. both ends up in tears.

end of chapter
i mostly ended this off here because i don't want this to be too long but i hope you're enjoying so far okie see you next chapter.