Into the Multiverse || Marvel

Chapter 13: Not saying it

I look at him and I cannot recognize the person in front of me. I cannot recognize the one who told me whatever it is, we'll do it together. I cannot see the person who told me to stay because he can protect me from anything. I cannot see the person who chose to run towards danger just to make sure I don't get hurt. I cannot see the person who actually loved me. I know if that person was here they would do anything to remember me, they would do anything to make sure I am okay.

It sucks that I love him so much. It sucks how much I love him. It sucks for me that all I want is to know him happy. Sometimes the greatest act of love is sacrificing it... Maybe the Ancient One was right after all.

"I am not asking you to do it." I say looking away from him. "I am really happy you are finally free to make your own choices." I smile looking at the sunset. I am dealing with two feelings and I cannot put my finger on which one is stronger. I am happy for him, but at the same time, I am sad for us. One part of my mind is smiling while the other one is crying. We stay there in silence, neither of us moving too much and it gives me some comfort to have him near me. I tap on the screen of my phone and I go on Spotify, luckily it exists here too. I look through my liked songs and I find Elman's С неба до земли song and I press on it. For some reason, my heart wants to listen to this even though I do not understand the lyrics. It's the song he didn't want to translate for me because he said it would make me sad and I never felt like translating it because I felt too happy in that moment when I was in his arms slow dancing in the kitchen. I let the song play softly and I feel like it's so fitting for this moment.

I feel his eyes looking at me as I watch the sun running out of time and I gulp. I really find peace at the end of a horrifying day. I feel his hand moving and I see him wanting to place it on mine but something is holding him back as I see the hesitation. He touches it lightly as the song comes to an end and I gulp feeling him standing up.

"Я идиот, да? У меня есть кто-то, кто любит меня, и Я ничего не делаю, чтобы помнить ее. Часть меня чувствует, что я никогда по-настоящему не заслуживала твоей любви." I look at him confused as he speaks Russian and I have no idea what he just said.

"What?" I ask not understanding anything but the one word that sounded like idiot.

"Oh, you don't speak Russian. I thought you did because of the song- Well, I guess I just learned one more thing about you." He shakes his head almost deleting the words he said in Russian to me.

"Who's the idiot though?" I chuckle really wanting to understand and he tilts his head watching me in the twilight.

"That would be me. I was just saying that because I see you really care about me and I just don't feel like doing anything to remember how it actually felt." he presses his lips into a thin line and turns around as I have no reply for him. It is normal for him to think like that, he doesn't remember jack shit about me.

January 10, 2017

I don't want to miss him, but the more I see him, the more it starts to hurt. I don't want to remember the way it felt to lay my head on his chest as somehow every time he passes by me I am reminded of his scent and the way it felt. I don't want my heart to want the old James, but the more I hear him asking people to call him Bucky, the more I miss James. I don't want to feel jealous, but every time I see him smiling at the people here, the more I remember how he used to smile at me like that. I don't want to have this deep desire of him needing me back because it started to kill me softly. We are buried in my memories and I don't want to know them anymore because I don't want to know how it is to be without him anymore.