America the Poor: A Wanderers Tale, Vol Two

Chapter 38: A Phenomenal Failure, and an intense Realization

Intentions are one thing, and reality is often completely different, and they can be absurd in their extreme differences. Reality is often the greatest disappointment of all, sometimes depressingly so.

That first day was the most spectacular failure of human will I'd ever known. We'd somehow expected so much more to happen than what actually did. Both Jeff and I rolled our asses off, and applied the most serious of wills within our abilities, and the dice defied our greatest efforts, almost seemed purposely stubborn, as if a point was being made to us. Who or what was making that point specifically? You decide, what forces in the Universe around us dictate circumstances to the insane and the damned?

We'd already fully shown and demonstrated the nature of randomness and meaninglessness in numbers. But now that we were deeply involved in the opposite side of the coin, it defied our dedicated efforts, almost like a sentient and obstinate thing. Control and even basic influence was plainly beyond our efforts right then, no matter our sincerest labours and hopes. We could change nothing beyond the random nature of the rolls. Methods of rolling mattered not, nor whether we watched or looked away, everything we attempted failed. That first day of rolls I was quite tempted to give up, too damned easily.

Will and intent seemed to make no difference whatsoever, the rolls remained obstinately randomized, we had zero ability to influence or change such a simple thing as rolled dice. We seemed powerless in the face of the averages.They were very much bigger than us obviously. We had already shown the average results, but changing them seemed quite beyond anything we could ever do. We went through the whole day, dedicated and intent, and we had no power to change a thing, and we both took it to heart, though we shouldn't have.

After all, we were new to all this, and personally I had only read about such things in books, and this was the very first time I had attempted them myself. Maybe this was an admission that I didn't know it all, we were after all fumbling in new territory, realms of the mind that were considered "unproven" obviously. Not unshown, but unproven, there's a major difference.

Call me strange, but I truly felt Jeff and I were missing something major in our basic approach, but I didn't have a single clue what it was. I somehow knew, and felt that we actually could alter/influence reality, with the right mindset and approach. I was confident, but I also recognized that a special piece of this strange puzzle was missing, and I didnt know exactly where to look for it, or even if I'd recognize it if I ever did see it myself. There certainly was something missing from our efforts, and until I discovered it, our labors would seem utterly futile, and pointless to continue. That evening, after our pitiful snack for the night Jeff came to me and we had a short conversation.

"Johnny, do you really believe we should keep going after our numbers today? We failed in a big way. What's the point of continuing all this, if we can't change a thing, why keep going?"

"Jeff i'm like you, this is depressing, but i've read a lot of the work of geniuses, and also madmen alike. Why go on? Well I ask you, why stop? We've learned something very important Jeff, we've learned how NOT to influence the reality around us, which lesson has value in itself. We are exploring a territory not acknowledged by ordinary science, for now. We have to keep going, but not the same way Jeff. We are missing something important. If we keep going, I intend to figure it out, because I believe I can. Don't abandon this, just because we don't understand it, yet. I think we may, but we can't stop. The answers will come, I believe this"

Jeff nodded, in agreement and slow resignation, and we ate our snacks, silently, and went separate ways to our rooms. I picked up one of the novels so graciously donated by a staff member that saw my love of reading and left me his modest selections.

I was reading by moonlight, which can be done when desperate enough to read, and later in life, I've even read by far less light. Reading for me can actually be accomplished in most any low light, providing I'm reading something I truly want to read.

I got involved in my donated novel. I'd never let something as minor as low light stop me from doing something I actually wanted to do. I'm the exact same way right now in 2021, i don't use flimsy common excuses to not do things, I just do them. This is one of the rarest traits of all, humankind seems full of endlessly common excuses.

This has increased the further this timeline continues. I'm a creature from another timeline, and another reality, This will be fully explained in future volumes. For now, I could read in almost no light, and I always could, because I refused to let such minor obstacles ever stop me. This was my very nature. I didn't exist languishing in sorry excuses, but I did actions I wanted to do, even while being subjected to powerful brain altering drugs.

This reality tried to suppress everything I was, and I wonder, maybe it should have. My danger was never in my own physical actions, not truly, but in my unique thoughts and awareness.

I was a dangerous being back then, not because of my possible violence, but because of my thoughts, and my potential. There were very few others in normal society with this strange potential, perhaps none like me.

They didn't actually know, because they had never seen someone like me, of my particular ilk. They fumbled in the dark, especially after my official IQ test. When they realized what I truly was, someone panicked in an odd way, but it wasn't known as panic.

My danger increased exponentially. I was no mere rocker and drooler in front of a mindless TV screen. I was something they'd never seen before in that oppressive place. Because I avoided the TV, watching me they became far more confused, and possibly afraid. I was like an insane pacing lion in a cage that they couldn't perfectly lock every time. My mind was something this particular system had never dealt with before. So I was subjected to the most powerful of drugs, and they tried to suppress what I could mentally do, and they certainly slowed me down, if nothing else.

The state mental health system was designed for a specific purpose. It was made to control certain types of profiles, most of them being the average. They are the so-called normal ones, and so very easily controlled through mind altering medications.

I was suppressed, but never actually controlled, though that was their ultimate plan. They certainly slowed me, but changing what I was, this was something quite beyond anything they could ever really accomplish.

Yes, I had my own room, finally, and I was obeying their rules, certainly, but they didn't understand who and what I truly was, and they never actually could. Our psychic experiments were a side reflection of their inability to understand who and what I really was.

Yes, our efforts were a failure upon the very first day that we attempted to change reality, but I was merely in the learning stage. Mere infants, learning to crawl. We were both amateurs in the realm of the paranormal, but we were more than dedicated certainly.

I was reading in the moonlight, a novel that was donated to me, as a mere kindness, since I was noticed as a reader and a strange kind of intellect. I had a small stack next to my single bed of new reading material, and this was a source of personal strength. I was a human sponge, and all my power was derived from all that I'd ever read, seen, or viewed. My abilities were the ones of the mind, and the long lost but not forgotten past. As a patient, I wondered how many staff were familiar with the ancient classics of human literature, not many, if any, was my personal suspicion.

When I retired to my room, I started reading a drama about religion, a church, and the corruption of human beliefs.

That night I was struck with a very strong revelation, an insight powerful and deep enough that it has been known to change destinies, and realities certainly. As I read this amatuer novel about religious faith, and the lack of, a perfect realization came to me, powerful, and strange. As in all religions, belief supersedes human will, and always has, faith can move mountains, at least according to christians, this is the basis for their salvation, the faith that they can be saved at all. What is faith anyway?

Perhaps faith is a belief in something without full evidence, even if it hasn't actually happened yet. These things seemingly work all over the planet, for religions and crazy cults alike. Maybe this was the final key to our true success, if we applied it in the proper way. Tomorrow would tell of course.