Never Saw This Coming

Saved.

Xander
TW: !! Heavy mentions of su*cide and depression, and su*cide attempt.
READ AT YOUR OWN RISK.

Drake blasts in my ears through my headphones. I've been listening to music with the volume as high as possible for a while now. I rest my head against my headboard and sing the lyrics to myself lowly. I didn't know that I'd feel this fucking shitty tonight. I woke up today knowing I wasn't going to feel my best but it's worse than I thought. Even with the music blasting in my ears, I hear voices in my head telling me to do the one thing I've held off on doing long enough now. Do it now. It's hard to ignore them. Sometimes I wish I could scream, but I can't. Not without drawing fucking attention to myself at least.

I hate that it's the weekend because Hendrick's Gym is closed. I was getting ready to go earlier and then I remembered the day of the week. The regular gym can't help with my pacing thoughts and sex? No, that won't do it this time.

I feel like I'm at my breaking point. I need this to end. If it does then that means all the thoughts in my head will be gone. I'll be free. I fucking ache to feel that freedom. There's no escape from life no matter how much I try and make myself believe it. I'm stuck here for God knows how long.

I'm terrified of myself for more than one reason. I don't know what I'm capable of doing. For some reason though, I itch to find out. How far would I really go?

My eyes open at the touch of someone's hand shaking my leg. Chris. I remove one of the headphones. "What?" I ask. If he said something before, I didn't hear it. "I said, are you coming out with us? We're all going to that new bar opening on sixth street. Maddy knows the owner, so she'll get you guys in without ID's," he says. My top distraction, partying. Getting wasted. Even that won't help me right now. Being around people is the last thing I want and need right now. He just came in, and I'm growing bothered at my best friend's presence. This is fucking rare.

I shake my head, "No. I'm feeling kind of sick, so I'll pass." He furrows his eyebrows. "You need some medicine or something?" he asks me. Fuck, well now I feel like a dick. "Nah, man. I'm about to take some melatonin and knock out for the night." Or forever. He looks at me a little longer than usual. "Alright. You know where to find us if you change your mind." He pats my shoulder once before leaving my room. I lean my head back against the headboard and close my eyes again. My headphones go back on at full blast.

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I tried distracting myself for as long as I possibly could, but I can't anymore. I remove my headphones, leave my phone on the bed, and head out my door. The house is too quiet. I open Cgc's room. Empty. Rhy's next. Empty. Christian's finally. Empty. Okay, good. I head downstairs and pace around the living room and kitchen. I should've fucking started taking my antidepressants. The type of shit I'm feeling right now is not fun at all. It's scary. It's overwhelming me way too quickly.

"Just do it, Xander," I whisper to myself, running my hands through my short, curly hair. Saying this out loud almost kills me. "No, I'm fine," I tell myself. I pace around the living room hoping that if I stay moving, the thoughts will stop pacing in my head. I think doing it will solve a lot of my problems though. The main thing that I'd get out of it is being free, something I so desperately want. Being gone completely sounds fucking amazing. Then no one will have to worry about me. My mom will finally be free of the biggest burden in her life.

She's never told me this obviously, but I know I am. She worries about me 24/7 and then she also has to take care of my younger brother and sisters who still live at home with her. She does that shit alone. One less kid, one less struggle. My dad's waiting for me. He'll be the first person I see and everything will be okay. I fucking miss him more than anything in this world. I'm starting to think seeing him is worth it. We'll be together again and we'll take care of each other just like we used to.