We Had To Kiss... Had To {HamishxRandall}

Chapter 1

"Randall and I had to kiss to get away from ours," Hamish admitted as he poured himself yet another drink. His intelligent eyes focused on his task, mixing himself the perfect concoction like he always did.

Had to. Ouch.

The words stung more than I thought they ever could, and even made Greybeard whine.

"Had to," I muttered in a bitter tone, my eyes downcast.

Based on the sting of pain his words had caused, I could venture a guess and say I had feelings for Hamish. Ones I hadn't expected and honestly didn't know existed. At least- not until he was smiling at me like that, and then kissing me like that. I mean- the mans a solid 10, there's no doubt about that. There never had been. And his intelligence and refined way of speaking simply put him off the scale in terms of attractiveness.

We like Tundra, I heard Greybeard mutter excitedly. I blocked myself from feeding into it, it wouldn't do any good.

My mind wandered as I considered Hamish's square jaw, his bright blue eyes, his strong lips- the ones I now knew the taste and feel of. That kiss would haunt my dreams, and only because I wanted more but knew I couldn't have it. And that smile... that smile he had given me across the table was the most dazzling thing I'd ever seen. I'd never seen him smile like that before.

"Randall," Hamish's voice broke through my thoughts, and I felt his large hand on my shoulder as he shook me gently.

"Hmm- what?" I asked distractedly. I sucked in a surprised breath as I realized he was sitting right next to me on the sofa, his arm on the back above my shoulders as he looked at me intently.

"Where did you run off to?" He wondered, his gaze searching as he took a sip of his drink.

Pretty eyes, Greybeard decided.

The drink was one of Hamish's favourite combinations, as it was a scent that graced our house frequently- especially when he was feeling a little overwhelmed. But I supposed we were all feeling that way, dealing with this order bullshit.

"I- no-nowhere," I coughed to hide my slight embarrassment, and Greybeard snorted.

He narrowed his eyes at me, and I regretted that we knew each other so well. He could read me like an open book.

"What-," he started in his interrogation tone, but thankfully was interrupted.

"What do you think, lovebirds?" Lilith asked with a raised brow in our direction. Jack looked like he was waiting for an answer, and I realized they all must have been having a discussion while I was in my own head.

I felt myself blush at the term, and my heart beat a little faster in my chest. Lovebirds, Greybeard said in an approving tone. They all frowned at me, and I knew they had heard the stutter in rhythm. I shot up from my seat with an awkward cough.

"I uhh- I'm not... I've gotta go," I stuttered, hurrying from the room and the house itself. I needed to clear my head.

No! Go back! Greybeard protested, filling my mind with thoughts of Hamish's eyes.

No, I argued. Need time away. Need to clear my head.

And the sure fire way to do that... was to run. I took off into the woods, letting my legs guide me as I pushed my body to the max. I focused on the strain of my muscles and crunch of the leaves and needles beneath my feet, pulling fresh air in and out of my lungs.

My steps faltered as Hamish's smile inevitably popped into my head. Again. Greybeard...

What is wrong with me? He's my brother. He's a fellow night, a friend and coworker. He didn't have feelings for me, so I shouldn't have feelings for him. It's that simple. I just needed to let it go.

You don't know! Maybe he does, maybe he- I shut Greybeard down there. Those thoughts would only lead to more hurt.

Let it go, Randall.

I chanted it to myself like a mantra as I ran three times as long as I would on my normal runs. By the time I started to make my way back home, it was dark and the stars were starting to twinkle in the sky. I could hear the three heartbeats of my friends in the house, and twisted the door knob with a deep breath.

You're fine, you have no extra feelings, just let it go and be normal.

Be normal.

"Randall-," Hamish started to say, but I couldn't look at him or speak to him just yet.

"I'm tired," I interrupted him, eyes fixed on the wooden staircase. Greybeard whined at the blatant lack of feeling with which I was speaking to Hamish, but I ignored him. "I'm going to bed. Night guys," I said, heading to the shower without waiting for a reply.

As I turned on the water and waited for it to heat up, I could hear their whispered conversation that I knew was about me; but didn't tune in. I didn't want to know what they were saying or thinking about me. I needed to sort myself out before I could face them all again.

Maybe part of the reason I think I have feelings for Hamish is simply because I was so recently rejected by Lilith. I mulled the idea over as I went through my showering routine on autopilot. That had to be it. I just needed to get over myself. Lilith has found someone else, and I could too- when the time was right. But that person was not Hamish. He's out of my league, and not into me. And I've only deluded myself into thinking I was into him simply because he showed me false physical attention.

He didn't actually want to kiss me. That smile wasn't actually for me. It was all an act, to get away from the order idiots. None of it was real.

It's not real. Your feelings aren't real.

Yes they are, my hide argued.

I towelled off and moved swiftly to my room, hoping to avoid any more questions or concern. I made it to my bed without incident, and heaved a sigh of relief. I pulled on a pair of boxers and collapsed into bed, rolling myself under the blankets and shutting my eyes.

The feeling of his fingers in your hair, not real. The feeling of his big hands on the back of your neck, not real. That sweet, dazzling smile for you, not real. The kiss... the warm, hot kiss... it wasn't real.

Not real.

Real.