Dearest Max,
I've said it before and I will say it again; It's scary being an independent young adult when you don't know where you are going in life. Even simple tasks like going to Woolworth's for some milk scares me - do I have enough money in my wallet to afford milk? Skipping one day of work for me is like an antelope being eaten by a lion. I would be dead, essentially.
But 2015 is going to be different for me. I am going to be confident in myself, I'm going to be able to pay my bills, make new friends...
I have all these goals to better myself but in the end who am I helping? Am I really going to change just because I can have comfort knowing I can afford to buy milk one day?
These days I can't get out of bed. I physically can't. A voice in my head says "What are you going to achieve today? Absolutely nothing you worthless piece of shit."
Why is life difficult, and horrible, and scary? Why can't I breathe in a space with lots of fresh air, and no one to crowd me?
Why do I cry walking home? What drives me in this downhill direction into sleepless nights?
I'm going to try, I'm going to try so hard for both of us. And I'm starting first thing tomorrow morning at Crown's Beach. It's been awhile since I've been in the water. My first step is to sit on the sand and enjoy a quiet morning; watching the first sunrise of 2015.
I miss you,
Chelsea xx
