Dear harmony,I think i might like girls.

01/14/2022 The day all i wanted to do was cry.

Dear harmony, I've started this diary so I can have something to remember from my middle school days. How are we now? I don't really feel the need to introduce myself as you know me well. Anyway I want to tell you something. Kyn asked me out! She really did it. I'm happy I think. She's my best friend, the only friend I had at the beginning of the year. She's amazing and funny plus she's the only person I feel kinda safe with at that school. I think she's the nicest girl in the whole world. And that's the problem, she's so amazing that I never want to lose her and I know that a relationship with her won't last. No school relationship does. I don't want her to feel bad but I think I would rather be friends. I never want her to feel bad. I want her to know I love her but I also want her to know I love her too much to be IN love with her. I mean I think I like her, I don't really ever know anything for sure. I'm the happiest I've been in a while. And all day all I could do was smile.Then  I started thinking about everything. I don't want to love her more than I do now. If I did I think I might die when I graduate. Why'd she have to be younger than me?

I had another thought in the grocery store. I was holding my brothers hand and it was really cold. I wonder if Kyn felt that way about me. She's always holding my hand in front of everyone. I wonder if she feels how I feel. Is she scared too? I'm scared a lot about everything. I'm scared she won't like me anymore. I'm scared someone will tell my mom about us. I'm scared to hold her hand or call her my girlfriend. I'm still not ready, not even a little bit. I don't want anyone to know yet. If they did what would they think of me? Being gay is a bad thing. Liking a girl is wrong for me to do. How does Kyn do it, how can she tell her friends about us and hold my hand in front of so many people. Is she scared too? I don't wanna hurt her and it makes me feel good to hold her hand. I just hopes I never have to tell anyone at home. My sister knows but what would my mom or my dad say? My uncles? My mom says things sometimes, bad things, about gay people. My dad too. I don't think I'll ever tell them. I really wish things could be different. What should I say at the end of these things? I'll just go with this for now : - from harmony, at 12 years old