Only If You Try

I

The sun is bright and warm on my thigh. I shift my weight to my left and switch my legs so that now my right leg is on top. I exhale a deep sigh. It had been only ten minutes since I'd arrived and yet I knew I would have to leave soon. I had just enough time to order and enjoy a cup of coffee.. and daydream. I take a sip of hot coffee, scalding down my throat, push out another sigh. I was growing tired. Not tired as though I hadn't slept.. tired as in I was thoroughly exhausted. With every breath my body slumped against the soft orange velvet chair which I was occupying.

This coffee shop was small, quiet and simple. Full of tacky knick-knacks and thrifted items. Regardless of awful decor though, it was my favorite. It smelled like Sunday mornings with my Great Grammy Gladys when I was young. Before I became ill and before she passed and I had to only worry about my childhood cat, Blaze, escaping the front door. I missed those days, and more importantly, I missed her. She was a woman of strength and struggle; so gentle yet so stoic. I pondered on what she would think of me today all these years later.

It had been five years since she passed. I was no longer the same girl who was so young and full of spirit. Pain and trauma had changed my soul. I think it takes a certain type of experience to change ones actual soul, and are seemingly hard to come by for most people... yet somehow I had managed to go through multiple of them. Sounds on brand for me.

A small tap on my shoulder spooks me back to reality. I startle and turn, only to make eye contact with one of the baristas, Allan. He smiles at me gently.

"I didn't expect to see you here today. I thought you had an appointment this morning." He slides into the chair across from me, another bright orange velvet armchair, and places his coffee cup onto the table.

"They cancelled on me," I stare at him with my mouth twisted to the side. "I didn't have any other plans today so I thought I'd come by on my way home."

"I'm glad you did." Allan flashes another smile at me before he takes a drink of coffee, this time holding the small green mug in his lap. "I miss seeing your wild hair when you're not here."

I chuckled. "Will you miss it when it falls out?"

"Then I'll just look for the sun reflecting off of your shiny bald head."

Allan was hired at Comfy Café only three days before I stumbled upon this magical place. He was as close to a best friend as I could have in my condition and although that was an unspoken thing, it was obvious we both felt that way. He was so kind to me the first time I came to Comfy that I had decided I would come back the next day, if only just to see him again. Eventually it never failed that Allan was working and ready with my favorite coffee and good conversation.

He was a total sweetheart with a to-die-for smile, tall with forest green eyes and soft dirty blond hair that was always tousled about. Would I be lying if I said I wasn't secretly in love with him? Yes, I would be.. but there is no love for people like me. That is why I kept Allan at a distance. No texting, social media, I wasn't even sure if he knew my last name. Our relationship was strictly coffee-casual, as much as I hated that, and there would never be more.

"In all seriousness though," I begin, "When I-"

"I won't." He cut me off. "I won't talk about this.. because you will not." I could see the sadness pass over his face briefly, and then it was gone, as if it had never appeared to begin with. "I don't care what it takes.. that absolutely will not happen." A small pause and a crinkle in his forehead. "Have you called Eri today?"

I shook my head. "No, not yet. She didn't know my appointment was canceled." I frowned and took a small drink of my coffee, cherishing the taste.

"Well are you coming with her to the party tonight?"

"Do I look like I'm in any condition to party?" I rolled my eyes.

"Fair point.. but I'm only going just to see you, if I'm being honest. How are we supposed to be friends if I've only ever seen you in this terrible chair? Come on."

"No," I shook my head. "You know better than that." I scoffed. I had told Allan a million times that outside of Comfy, we were strangers, and to keep it that way.

"Well I guess I'll go just in case you change your mind.. that way you know more people than just the Intolerable Two." He laughed and his hair caught the sunlight as he moved his head. I longed to brush it off of his face. "Plus I heard that Alli has three cats and you know I can't pass up that opportunity." Another laugh. He must be in a good mood today.

The "Intolerable Two" was our nickname for my  sisters, Erin and Payton. Eri was my best friend most of the time, but she becomes a completely different person when she hangs out with Pay, and as the nickname suggests, they are absolutely insufferable when together.

"Thanks, I appreciate that." I say as I start to pack up my book bag. I finish my cup of coffee, and stuff my laptop into my bag as I stand up. Allan grabs my coffee cup in one hand and picks my bag up off of the table with the other, handing it to me with a smile on his face.

"Just.... don't count on it, okay?"

"Okay."

I toss my bag over my shoulder, wave, and head out the door.

I watch from my car as Allan lingers near our table briefly, running his index finger around the rim of the floral coffee mug I had drank from. I watch his shoulders heave a small sigh, his hand push back the hair I begged to touch just moments earlier, and walk back to the counter.

I drove home with my windows down, desperate to wash out the smell of his cologne.